What ifs, Would haves, and Maybes

A peek into my journal I know it sounds gay but i keep one
8/2 @10:46 am MST (took place 4/1-7/12)

Ugh. Why do things have to happen the way they do. There are times with Steven Id never take back but there are times Id take anything over then spending them with him and thats where D comes in . We met the same night steven and i did he was 1 out of the cute guys sitting at the table that i mentioned in the entry about the night i fucked steven. We talked meaningless convo steven came over with the beer. One thing led to another and a month later we're a thing I dont see him again until the night of huka about 2 months later,(but im still attracted to him). He adds me on FB I find that we have alot of the same interests we both love kid cudi and dexter I skim over his status and pictures and discover that he has a great sense of humor. This bumps him up from stranger i find attractive. To funny cute guy I'd like to get to know if i were single. About another month later I see him again this time at the Ibiza lounge in the bronx,  the night of my bf's sisters 22nd birthday. THe night she turned lesbo on me and used huka as an excuse to get to my lips lol jk I love jess. As the night progresses and drinks are consumed I find myself dancing with D. First to reggateon (this whole time i keep my body at a 2 ft distance from him) because I have a bf I care about dearly. Bachata comes on I let him know I going to sit down because Idk how to dance. He says he'll teach me he gives up after 10 mins. I come to the conclusion that im too drunk to take bachata lessons from good ass Dominicans. So I take a seat and text my bf and let him know I suck at dancing, Im sweaty, tired,  drunk and I wanna go home.  One of his friends walks me out to the car. Im met with an unsually sweet Steven(who had been drinking hence the sweetness) we laugh, kiss, sing and cuddle the whole ride home we act like the  annoying couples I love to hate. Hell we even exchange our 1st te quieros. I end the night being grateful we met and happy with the way things worked out.
 But the reality is....Over the course of our short lived relationship this feeling was hardly there, there were more misses than hits mainly because of his IDGAF attitude towards me, due to the fact that i took on the role of the clingy gf  since i had no friends or family, job, gym or school to keep me occupied, treating me as if i were dispensable, here today and gone tomorrow. This grew old and i found myself counting down the days and telling myself only this many more days of it. I cut it off a week short of my departure, after being left alone to dine with a check at a mexican restaurant for a basketball game with his co workers. Convinced I'd never see him again , I went out with his bf Edwin(who is in love with my Sister) for drinks, 4 hours later i found my self in my  ex's bed. Knowing there were only 2 days left I decided to ride it out and make the best of it, so this of course included getting wasted with his sister at a bar in the Bronx on wing night.I vaguely remeber the night thank god for pictures but a few tid bits stand out, 1. me being a picture Nazi 2. planking 3. being very drunk and 4. confessing my attraction to D. Idk why i did or what i expected to come out of it i think i just did it because i knew there would be no consequences,my flight left the next night. But i was surprised to find that it was mutual he said something along the lines of  "i felt a connection we'd have good chemistry but you had a bf. (by now everyone knew we were broken up due to FB) After that i remember waking up on his shoulder in a car telling them to pull over cuz i had to puke, I remember scolding at him for trying to hold my hair while i was drunk ( I dont like ppl seeing me in that state or taking care of me) Another vague memory of him feeding me patacon and forcing me drink sprite and next thing i know im waking up next Steven trying to get him to wake up and force him to do something fun on my last day. I dont even think we had sex that morning Its weird to think that we had grown that tired of each other. We went to the beach with D and Angel despite a good time i could help but feel awkward here i was my ex bf, my what if, and his other friend who dropped hints of his interest while we grabbed lunch. Despite the fact that i never touched any of them I couldnt help but feel guilty and shaddy for Steven had no idea. I left New York with a feeling of Emptiness just as i had arrived, leaving nothing behind but the simple notion of what if.........

Ready to bid farewell

So its been awhile since my last post... couple of highlights since then

• Ended up in Brooklyn with a random I met on the train (not a good experience)
• Became official with my "my young flame"
• Met the fam
• Got kicked out of a Club for the first time 
• Touched lips with a female for the first time( my sister in law, bit awkward)

Oh and I also got  my first seat belt ticket, lots of first in New York! I should go out with a bang and do all the shit I haven't done and wouldn't do in Utah if you catch my drift  ;) But I wont.So, anyhow the following post was originally written May 31st I then had a change of heart and decided not to post it in but I find myself in the same mood again today so here it is unfinished..............

5/31/2011 EST @8:35 pm


New York , the city  where dreams come true filled with bright lights glitz glamour and fashion. Not the place where you carry diapers in your Coach Bag or get fashion tips from a 2 year old ( Sidney didnt like my fedora today) or make up tips from a 5 year old ( Max who instructs me on how and when I should do my make up). and definately not the place where you pay for your boyfriends gas and beer.

I came out here on whim I had nothing to lose. As the  quote says its not until youve lost every that your free to do anything.This was especially true for me, after  having lost "the one", lost my job, my car breaking down and having to move out of my old apt. I left mid semester I frankly just did not give a fuck anymore what was the worst that could happen? So why not hop a flight across the country to tend 3 little bastards and get poorly paid for it. Sounded like a good idea, since at the time I was doing the whole "church" thing abstaining from wordly goods (in my case sex and alcohol) . I had already lost my individuality why not my independence while Im at.  Yeah.... that lasted about 2 weeks once out here I began to meet ppl left and right in random bars, trains, streets, parties ect. Like they say you can take the b-ball player out the hood but you cant take the hood out the player. Likewise You can pull me out of a party but you cant take it  out of me, no matter where I am I will find it.

Long story short once I  accepted myself for what I am I came to terms with my broken engagement and was finally able to put it behind me I moved one step forward and 6 years back to a time where I didnt have a car, didnt have my own apt, didn't go to college, depended on my family(except for this is worse I depend on a white family, who isn't mine) and dated 20 year olds  who were barely getting their 1st car, worked part time and lived at their mom's house. Ive pretty much regressed in every aspect of my life, Im listening to reggaeton for christ sake( shit I listened to when I was 16-17), I've stopped going to the gym and become financially unorganized my savings went from the thousands to the hundreds. Im reliving my adolecence at the age 22, its time to go home.

Apparently I met my match. My little 20 year old turned out to be a bigger bitch than   I could be. if only all my heartbreaks knew. They would be jumping up and down rejoicing for today was the day when  I was played. Avenged were all the victims from my serial dating days. Not only was I stood up by this guy  but he had the audacity to tell me he didn't feel like picking me up (youngsters these days). Although I felt the end near,as my days in New York became numbered so did his interactions, whether it was another woman or I simply reached my expiration date i'll never know( I think it was a mix of both). All I know is that I've officially been outbitched. What can I say its been a long time coming.  Damn you karma and your effects on my dating life. Granted I ignored some calls, failed to respond to a few texts, turned down dates, because " I wasn't feeling it" and unintentionally led on some but I don't think I would have had the heart to tell a helpless, lonely, boy thousand of miles away from home to take a train to see me because I didn't feel like driving. I can tolerate my job but I have no tolerance for men.  Only problem now is,how am I going to get my dirty panties back?

26 days

 is what it took for me to trash the title of gf. Idk why..... but I guess I'm just not( for lack of a better word)"wifey" material. After all my experience labels come with great expectations only the best get to be my bf and only them get to see all of me. Until B came along no one had seen that side of me. The one who will cook and clean for a man, go out of my way to please and take care, hell  I didn't know that side of me existed or maybe I just had never been in the situation where it could be exposed. But now that I know it exists as soon as a label is put on she comes out and takes a peek over caring, over nurturing and overcompensating to a random man for what she failed to do enough with B. Even though I for the most part believe I have moved on I'm still haunted by the guilt of singlehandedly sabotaging my fairy-tale ending. Which your average Utahn would have killed for, a temple marriage to: a good-looking, intelligent, ambitious, talented, athletic ,Spanish speaking, charming,  black man. Shit Utah girls would  kill for any kind of marriage, with anyone but I had it all, on top of looking good on paper he made me laugh, treated me like a princess, was loyal and made me feel loved.

BUT... I got scared of what forever might be like beside the perfect man  constrained in a self righteous society and  my partying ways outweighed "my guaranteed salvation". Now I roam the streets of New York with a brown bag bottle in hand, sleeping with strangers. hahaha jk its not that bad, Im happy for the most part. My girls just came out and everything  is good. Im free , free from judgement, expectations, and misperceptions. I no longer stand out for not aspiring to be a housewife nor am I a bad person for ordering a drink.

Idk whether i made the right decision in regards to marriage, but I made the right decision in getting the fuck out of Utah. Im alot happier than when I left granted, I may drink a little too much and I may have slept with a stranger but hes a stranger I like. Although we're a bit short of a month ,  and have just broke up lol( not that it means anything its not like im gonna go fuck strangers or get on anyone else) its been two days nothing has changed we still see each other almost everyday and induldge in alot of great sex. I just feel much better without thinking or caring about where its going, or whether I  am treating him good enough, no great expectations to be delivered and no great expectations to be expected. I dont expect him to be anything but himself; good company, good lay, and a good time. Labeless is the way to be.I'm young and free in NYC, well.... at least  in long island :)

Labels and Expectations

Why is that we women expect so much more from something when its labeled? For some reason as I do with my clothes I  do with my men.  If my  Oakleys come with a scratch its unacceptable, however if my no name sunglasses break, I could careless. And its not even  about the price, if the Oakleys were free but I paid for  no namers, I would still expect more from the ones with labels. The same goes for a man who is my piece of ass if he didn't come to see me or invite me ehhh....... who gives a shit. However, if a boyfriend  pulls that shit its infuriating and I bitch. Seems like labels always make things more complicated but somehow people are always eager to put them on  from designer brands to girlfriend/boyfriend titles.

I knew this was going to happen and I should of gone with my gut, but I let myself get labeled. My one night stand who surprised me with flowers and teddy bears who constantly kept in touch slapped the label on me a couple nights ago and has now turned into my boyfriend who takes an hour or more to reply and stands me up. Unlike us, who maintain and care for an object or man, more once a label is involved, They on the other hand cease to  make an effort.  No longer do they have to go out of their way to  please you and keep you around they've marked  their territory like a dog marks his fire hydrant. They are now free to piss on you, whenever and however they please.

One night stand turned relationship

It took 4 hours to fuck him. 3 dates to like him. 2=1 sleepover to call him babe +1 blog to know him...and 12 days to become his girlfriend. I wonder how long it will take us to break up?

I did whaaaat?

4/3/2011 Sunday 9:17 am EST

And what a Friday it was! Seemed like Friday lasted till this morning. This drinking thing is kicking my ass idk if its the fact that Im doing it once a week or that the beer percentage is higher? Probably a combination of both but lately it seems like every weekend is a repeat. I drink myself retarded Friday then lay in bed hungover all Saturday. However, last night I took it to a whole nother level. I committed the ultimate sin.One i did not know I was capable of committing. I didn't know I had it in me . I slept with some one i had just met.Which I can honestly say I had never done until now. What kills me is not the fact that  it happened, but the way it happened. Its so retardly stupid that I have a hard time believing it actually happened. Like  this is my reality...........really?

I officially became a cougar

 I fucked some one younger than myself on floor of a towne & country which belongs to the family I work for filled with kid toys, trinkets, and car seats In one of which We ended up cuddling and watching the sunrise (no joke) I laughed to myself at the time of the quirky irony, here i was watching the sunrise with a boy 5 years younger than the men I usually date in a car seat. I literally was robbing the cradle or in this  case the car seat.Who the fuck does this?!to makes things even worse as the sun began to rise and my sober self returned, I had horrific flashbacks of what had actually happened  not only had i slept with a boy too you young to legally consume alcohol but i had done it with out protection on the floor of  a mini van  with the lights on in a parking lot so everyone who walked passed got a free show  and ppl did walk past (as i later recalled hearing voices half way through coitus) OMG who had witnessed my reckless sexual antics had the guy i showed up with come looking for me, his friends, omg who had walked passed while we were going at it? Oh my god what did these ppl think of me? Many of the ppl I had met once before, they had welcomed me because their friend (we'll call him Rick Ross cuz their about the same size and have similar features except for this guy is Dominican anyway)  befriended me on the train one night on my way back from Philly little did I know that this guy was romantically interested in me until after the first party he invited me to when he began to ask me the usual questions. Are you seeing someone when was your last serious relationship blah blah .Not to be an ass but I Didn't think men who looked like that would have the balls to pursue women like me where the hell was this guys confidence coming from his boobs were bigger than mine?.

Anyhow this was the second party Rick Ross had invited me to, a Latin get together at Dowling College as we walked through the halls he introduced me to everyone he knew his body language was repulsive I kept having to brush him off, we made our way to fancy antique looking library where all of his "crew" was at. As I scanned the room I noticed someone who caught my eye something about his smile, I smiled back as he left his seat and walked over to me.He reached for my hand and introduced himself, I introduced myself. He told me it was his birthday. I looked down we were reaching the one minute mark and we were still shaking hands. Yes, he had been drinking but..... there was definitely a connection there one that was visible to more than just me. Immediately  Rick Ross got right next to me in a bodyguard stance, and Marquis grabbed Steven by the shoulders and pulled him away. He dragged him off into a corner where he whispered in his ear, I didnt know what he was saying but I knew it was about me. We arrived at the dorms around midnight for an after party which consisted of 3 guys dancing to Bachata by themselves and Rick Ross still clinging to me like a leech. At this point I was regretting not going to the bar with Annela. I downed my 40 of Stella to drown my despair, after that was gone I moved onto shots. Before I knew it the party had began and there were now tons of ppl overcrowding the dorm. I made my way past all hoochies pinned up against a wall all getting dry humped to reggaeton to a table with 2 good looking guys.I began to  hand out my number to all who approached me meanwhile Rick Ross  lurked in the shadows observing me when... I saw Steven make his way over to me with a Corona in hand just for me! I was so happy not only was this guy cute but he knew the way to my heart. We sat at the table and talked by this time I didn't care where Rick Ross was I didnt give a shit about anything in the world, except for keeping my eyes off the strobe light because I didnt want to throw up in front of this guy.

Being a Nanny for Jews Sucks

I should have been doing this.......

4/1/2011 @ 6:43 am
So...I'm still here even though it was obvious I also got trashed the following weekend since I came home at 5 am and stayed in bed all day missing Avery's Birthday since i was so hung over.  They know they are going to have a really hard time finding some one who works their ass off for $300 lousy dollars a week in reality its 250 since Ive been putting $50 in the car a week . $250 to cook, clean, take care of kids, get pissed on, back thrown, Im pretty much black to them and the lady of the house still has the nerve to slip in "your a crank what happened to being creative....scrapbooking?" I wanted to slap the bitch and say your lucky Im here.

But instead I was doing this

Who the fuck feels like doing crafts after 10 hours of dealing with tantrums and chores. Id understand if i didnt have to clean but the expectations were light housecleaning, cooking, and taking care of the kids Im not a preschool teacher. They want me to be both preschool teacher and maid to 3 children for $300. Are they crazy?! They know who their kids are its hard enough to just keep them from killing each other and they want me to sit them down for arts and crafts estan locos Cheap ass Jews! Erick (their neighbor) warned me........Nothing is ever enough they'll work you to your core. To top it off Avery the 6 year old walked in on me getting dressed yesterday cuz i have no privacy in this house, Aiden the 2 year old pissed on me at story time,in front of a group 10-12 moms, and Im now a hunchback because I asked one of the boys to walk on my back instead  all 3 jumped on my back and used it as a trampoline. FML I hate this shit. Thank god its Friday.

Good bye, New York? 3/19

3/19/2011 @ 2:40 pm EST

I fucked up. I think I blew my opportunity in New York. I met a lot of people fast and last night I went to a party at the dorms Idk whether it was because I was nervous or because I don't drink out here and the beer is double me puse bien borracha tan borracha que me cai en la tina del bano en el dorm. Before I knew it was time to leave and I decided to have a cigarette before doing so. Idk where I put the pack whether I left them on the bench I hope to god I did or if I put them in my pocket and they fell out in the van, or out of my purse cuando llege a la casa I was barely able to set my foot in the kitchen when it crept up on me. Vomite una buena hora. I went to bed and woke up at ten the bathroom still wreaked of vomit and there was a new roll of toilet paper which told me A)Jeff had been in the bathroom, B) probably spotted some vomit and had smelled it and so he possibly knew what i was up to last night. I wondered if they had heard me purge for an hour. I tried to act cool as if my hangover didn't exist although i was fighting the shakes, a migraine and nausea. I went out and used a book as an excuse to look for the pack  in the van I found a can of beer instead, this was not a good sign. I looked twice and found nothing but i had a premonising feeling that they were just not in immediate sight that because of my hangover I would be unable to find them and Cori would instead. I think i was right. I woke up to Cori whispering furiously to Jeff I couldn't make out

I didn't know I was drunk until this happened

what they were saying all I heard was camel and she shook a box of some kind that sounded like a half empty pack. I was doing my best to eaves drop but i only heard bits and pieces, jeff said," what she does when she is out of the house isn't our business, that shipped has sailed we aren't going to tolerate it, you better call your mom and let her know she is going to be pissed. Half of me is wishing that I'm just paranoid and that they were left on the bench but thats just wishful thinking. The other half knows I'm fucked and is debating whether to blame them on marina or just come out and tell them that im not a smoker but i do have them when I'm extremely distraught or nervous which is hardly ever. But then I wonder those 2 days that i was on edge did the neighbors see me smoke those 2 cigs, did Cori see me at the train station did they know and were just waiting for me to confess. At this point idk what to do so I'm just going to sit in my room and avoid all contact with them. We'll see how long she can resist the urge to chew me out I think thats why she left to the library she cant keep cool with me only a few steps from her that and to get the scoop on the impression Ive made so they can formulate their final judgement on letting me go.

Babies

I often find myself swearing off  kids and view them as a plague, however today makes me want to run and find a mexican sperm donor for an artificial insemination ASAP. Something about watching them  dance to corridos and reggaeton just gets me. and these are just little white kids running around singing "Pose Pose ahhhh"  calling for penguino and leon, asking for another tortilla.{I can only imagine what my little brown children would be like what they would say and do. Would my little boys have mexistaches? Would my little girls  run around with a tejana, cowboy boots  and nothing else like I  did? I have to admit it makes me wonder what little paisas I would make .....If I were ever to have any because its only a matter of minutes until this(feeling) wears off and I will go back to viewing them as gods punishment for unprotected sex.