A peek into my journal I know it sounds gay but i keep one
8/2 @10:46 am MST (took place 4/1-7/12)
Ugh. Why do things have to happen the way they do. There are times with Steven Id never take back but there are times Id take anything over then spending them with him and thats where D comes in . We met the same night steven and i did he was 1 out of the cute guys sitting at the table that i mentioned in the entry about the night i fucked steven. We talked meaningless convo steven came over with the beer. One thing led to another and a month later we're a thing I dont see him again until the night of huka about 2 months later,(but im still attracted to him). He adds me on FB I find that we have alot of the same interests we both love kid cudi and dexter I skim over his status and pictures and discover that he has a great sense of humor. This bumps him up from stranger i find attractive. To funny cute guy I'd like to get to know if i were single. About another month later I see him again this time at the Ibiza lounge in the bronx, the night of my bf's sisters 22nd birthday. THe night she turned lesbo on me and used huka as an excuse to get to my lips lol jk I love jess. As the night progresses and drinks are consumed I find myself dancing with D. First to reggateon (this whole time i keep my body at a 2 ft distance from him) because I have a bf I care about dearly. Bachata comes on I let him know I going to sit down because Idk how to dance. He says he'll teach me he gives up after 10 mins. I come to the conclusion that im too drunk to take bachata lessons from good ass Dominicans. So I take a seat and text my bf and let him know I suck at dancing, Im sweaty, tired, drunk and I wanna go home. One of his friends walks me out to the car. Im met with an unsually sweet Steven(who had been drinking hence the sweetness) we laugh, kiss, sing and cuddle the whole ride home we act like the annoying couples I love to hate. Hell we even exchange our 1st te quieros. I end the night being grateful we met and happy with the way things worked out.
But the reality is....Over the course of our short lived relationship this feeling was hardly there, there were more misses than hits mainly because of his IDGAF attitude towards me, due to the fact that i took on the role of the clingy gf since i had no friends or family, job, gym or school to keep me occupied, treating me as if i were dispensable, here today and gone tomorrow. This grew old and i found myself counting down the days and telling myself only this many more days of it. I cut it off a week short of my departure, after being left alone to dine with a check at a mexican restaurant for a basketball game with his co workers. Convinced I'd never see him again , I went out with his bf Edwin(who is in love with my Sister) for drinks, 4 hours later i found my self in my ex's bed. Knowing there were only 2 days left I decided to ride it out and make the best of it, so this of course included getting wasted with his sister at a bar in the Bronx on wing night.I vaguely remeber the night thank god for pictures but a few tid bits stand out, 1. me being a picture Nazi 2. planking 3. being very drunk and 4. confessing my attraction to D. Idk why i did or what i expected to come out of it i think i just did it because i knew there would be no consequences,my flight left the next night. But i was surprised to find that it was mutual he said something along the lines of "i felt a connection we'd have good chemistry but you had a bf. (by now everyone knew we were broken up due to FB) After that i remember waking up on his shoulder in a car telling them to pull over cuz i had to puke, I remember scolding at him for trying to hold my hair while i was drunk ( I dont like ppl seeing me in that state or taking care of me) Another vague memory of him feeding me patacon and forcing me drink sprite and next thing i know im waking up next Steven trying to get him to wake up and force him to do something fun on my last day. I dont even think we had sex that morning Its weird to think that we had grown that tired of each other. We went to the beach with D and Angel despite a good time i could help but feel awkward here i was my ex bf, my what if, and his other friend who dropped hints of his interest while we grabbed lunch. Despite the fact that i never touched any of them I couldnt help but feel guilty and shaddy for Steven had no idea. I left New York with a feeling of Emptiness just as i had arrived, leaving nothing behind but the simple notion of what if.........
