is what it took for me to trash the title of gf. Idk why..... but I guess I'm just not( for lack of a better word)"wifey" material. After all my experience labels come with great expectations only the best get to be my bf and only them get to see all of me. Until B came along no one had seen that side of me. The one who will cook and clean for a man, go out of my way to please and take care, hell I didn't know that side of me existed or maybe I just had never been in the situation where it could be exposed. But now that I know it exists as soon as a label is put on she comes out and takes a peek over caring, over nurturing and overcompensating to a random man for what she failed to do enough with B. Even though I for the most part believe I have moved on I'm still haunted by the guilt of singlehandedly sabotaging my fairy-tale ending. Which your average Utahn would have killed for, a temple marriage to: a good-looking, intelligent, ambitious, talented, athletic ,Spanish speaking, charming, black man. Shit Utah girls would kill for any kind of marriage, with anyone but I had it all, on top of looking good on paper he made me laugh, treated me like a princess, was loyal and made me feel loved.
BUT... I got scared of what forever might be like beside the perfect man constrained in a self righteous society and my partying ways outweighed "my guaranteed salvation". Now I roam the streets of New York with a brown bag bottle in hand, sleeping with strangers. hahaha jk its not that bad, Im happy for the most part. My girls just came out and everything is good. Im free , free from judgement, expectations, and misperceptions. I no longer stand out for not aspiring to be a housewife nor am I a bad person for ordering a drink.
Idk whether i made the right decision in regards to marriage, but I made the right decision in getting the fuck out of Utah. Im alot happier than when I left granted, I may drink a little too much and I may have slept with a stranger but hes a stranger I like. Although we're a bit short of a month , and have just broke up lol( not that it means anything its not like im gonna go fuck strangers or get on anyone else) its been two days nothing has changed we still see each other almost everyday and induldge in alot of great sex. I just feel much better without thinking or caring about where its going, or whether I am treating him good enough, no great expectations to be delivered and no great expectations to be expected. I dont expect him to be anything but himself; good company, good lay, and a good time. Labeless is the way to be.I'm young and free in NYC, well.... at least in long island :)
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