God Hates Me............

10/19/2011 3:14pm MST
God hates me…. He has given many reaffirmations these past couple of days. In addition to everything listed in the previous entry ,shit got worse on Oct 4th.

 I woke up early with a positive attitude I was gonna make this day my bitch. Workout, studying and acing a test, was what was on my agenda. Instead it went like this……….woke up to $200 dollars missing in my bank account. Went to the bank wasted an hour stressing to find out it was only my rent check clearing. On my way from the bank to the school I received my first ever collection phone call so much for my 680 credit score turns out I forgot to pay a Dr’s bill before leaving to NY. There is now $400 dollars due half of which is fees and interest. I decided I was gonna get my commission no matter what it took made a quick stop and filed a complaint. Once at the school while digging through my trunk for school books I found a Government envelope, must’ve been some of the mail my mom had given me on my last visit to Delta. Opened  it up and got more good news. I was being charged for fraud for an overpayment of $8 on UEB which happened right before I left to NY while I was gone an additional $200 in income was reported I immediately called them requested the records and gathered paperwork to file an appeal.( An appeal which I have not filed yet) I was down  6 hours of my day despite my level of stress I told myself that nothing was gonna bring me down.I was gonna study for this Exam and kick ass. I took a seat in the 4th floor of the library turned my computer on to find (wait for it)............ it wasn’t working. So I then had to walk my happy ass all over campus all the way to the IT dept and on my awesome walk my phone stopped working. I no longer had music to keeping my sanity. I was gonna lose my shit, right then the urge to punch everyone that crossed my path arose, but I suppressed it. Continued on with my day until I tried paying my NY tickets after half an hour of no success I almost lost it again, and gave up momentarily logged on to facebook crossing my fingers that my best friend would be on so I could let it all out, before I imploded. Of course with my luck that was not the case and out the 15 ppl that were on she wasn’t one of them instead my awesome lil NY ex-boyfriend was on I had to let it out , I felt like my insides were boiling I had never experienced so much failure in my life, let alone in one day. So…......... I skyped him.
I should have known better For this all I got out of him, “You look like your about to cry” No shit Einstein I just told you about the shit day Im having. I thought to myself. “That sucks”……he continued “anyway my ex gf” I don’t give a fuck about your ex gf right now, again thinking to myself. Apparently he read my mind. “Does it bother you when I talk about her.?”  Implying I was jealous this pissed me off even more. I had bigger fish to fry and far bigger concerns than his immature ex gf problems. “Wait my new girl is calling me, BRB” and just like that he was gone. God damnit!! Why the fuck did I expose myself and my shitty situation especially to a shitty person who did not give a fuck?!
That was it. I had, had enough! Something was gonna work for me today even if it killed me. It had to, so I set out to study 6 hrs later I walked out of the testing center expecting at least an 85% and got slapped in the face with a 66%. I laughed in disbelief, once in my car my laughter turned into hysterical sobs. After a couple of close calls during the day, I completely lost my shit. I cried harder than I ever remember and reproached God all throughout my commute. “What the hell is your problem? Why me? Why don’t you do this to evil ppl, murders, CEO’s, Wall street brokers, Lawyers, salesmen? Im not bad, I don’t deserve this , k so maybe I corrupted two of your virgin men but that’s it! And it wasn’t all my fault it takes 2 tango! And yeah so I drink too, a lot of other ppl do,go after them stop sending all this shit my way! He never responded or maybe he did because the next day I learned that in my decision to move departments I had gotten my pay cut as well as my hours. Hows that for a big F YOU from the man upstairs.

Fuuuck

I've always been a pessimist. Its whats gotten me through the years. But all this changed upon returning from New York. And its this change of attitude that has gotten me in to the predicament I'm in now. I was so caught up in the moment and all the good things happening to me that I forgot to plan for rainy days. Now i find myself trying to make due for rent at two places, tuition, a car payment, insurance and all the ect bills.Lesson learned never deviate from whats worked for you your entire life. Life isn't always great so even when it is you have to always have a back up plan for rainy days such as today.

Viva Mexico!!!

I've always prided myself in how eventful and random my life is. Having stories from adventures in Vegas on $7 dollars, meeting strangers who hand you $200 dollars in Utah, shit in Wendover, shit in NY and now Mexico. But its getting old and my free spirit is growing weary and tired or maybe im just getting old. Despite all of this heres a  recap.We explored Ensenada, partied in the heart of the town, and dipped our toes in the sand in San Diego. Now for the highlights...................

• I took Tammy to her 1st strip club in Mexicali,  (For all of those who don't know Tam, Its a big deal.) Tam is one of the most conservative people I know, and by far the most innocent of my friends; still a virgin, doesn't drink, most genuine person I know, put in short shes awesome.Frankly Idk how she deals with our shit. Sorry Tam,we love you but the strip club was far more appealing than the streets of Mexico @2am on a Monday lol.
• Did the whole tourist thing: La bufudora, La Rumorosa, beach, shopping landmarks ect.
• And last but not least the biggest highlight of it all of course was the Bar scene:

 I brought in my 23rd year of life a week early @ Mango Mango with all the Mexican Marines we met earlier that night at Hussongs (an awesome old school bar est in 1823) which had live Mariachi and Banda . For all you who have partied with Mexicans you know just how it goes when you have all this added into the mix. After killing an unknown number of buckets with my newfound Marine friends, we ventured out into the next club. Mango Mango the scene was more Non traditional Mexican no sombreros or cowboy boots found here.  Bachata, Merengue, Cumbias and some occasional Banda blaring out the speakers.

 Once at a table I then continued  my mission of aiding my fellow Marines kill buckets of  beer, while dancing in between.  In mid turn getting my Cumbia on, my dancing was cut short. Pissed off and disappointed I looked to the stage to find  mariachis getting ready to play. Marine#3 grabbed my hand and rushed  me on stage where Las Manaitas were now playing, a man stood with a cupcake in hand with a lit candle awaiting... Drunk and confused I thought this couldnt possibly be for me. When had they arranged this? Why? How? This was my dream come true how did they know I had always dreamed of the day where I would have live mariachis cantarme las mananitas instead of all the annoying picture msg/forwards I recieve on my birthday with the crappy audio. Sadly since it was so unexpected and such a surprise there are no pictures of me in this glorious moment, crowd cheering for me to blow out the candle, Mariachis playing, biting the cake and of course as mexican tradition has it..... getting  my face shoved into the cake. Once I was cleaned off and ready to get off stage extremely satisfied the man holding a bottle of tequila let me know there was more, the party wasnt over yet. Omg!!!!? I was ecstatic this was literally was my dream come. I was asked to open my mouth and recieve shots of tequila squirted into my mouth. Upon swollowing , a man put his hand over my mouth and shook the shit out of me.  I felt as if I had just had a spiritual awakening, got off stage in my full glory to ppl giving me hugs and birthday wishes.

This is what my dad looks like(literally)

 Made my way over to a new dance partner and danced the night away until I felt I hit a wall, pretty early in the night since I had started @8 . I then pulled Tammy away from her Marine lover and let her know I had to lie down. We were then followed out of the club by our 2 wanna be Marine lovers who "just wanted to make sure we made it to our hotel room safe" and to make sure this was done they took the liberty of walking into our hotel room. Marine #1 crawling into Tams Bed, Tam and I turned to Marine #2  for answers and expectations we werent about to spend the night with 2 non goodlooking Marines we had just met in Mexico who on top of their ugliness were in commited relationships. Right then the room phone rang, we were saved by the bell. It was the reception desk letting us know that were not to be any over night guests and with that excuse and 3 phone calls later from the front desk  we were finally able to get rid of them.

I stepped out on the balcony to enjoy my last satisfying moment of the night, behind a cigarette I reminisced on the earlier events of the day."What an awesome night", I thought to myself  in mid drag "the only thing missing was birthday sex." Calm down E, I answered myself in thought your real birthday isn't until next week."

Life is great :)

If i had the power to freeze time I would freeze it here for one last year to savor my youth and just how good life is. Ever since Ive been back from New York its like my life just put itself back together so effortlessly and oh so perfectly. After a 2 week long binge of traveling and celebrating my home coming I walked into my Apartment and as soon as I opened the door to my room my phone rang It was a job offer from a company I had applied to a month before I left, I started the same week. Some how I ended up living at the house where my homecoming party was thrown paying $200 dollars a month, with no utilities, and 3 guys who treat me as little sister and have by far been the best roommates ever.
Took a trip to Vegas all expenses paid. Registered for classes 2 wks before they started miraculously obtained the schedule and teachers I wanted. Got off 2 parking tickets and most recently. Got off a DUI and not only did I get off, the cop didn't even run my license! If he had he would have found 2 unpaid tickets from NY and I would have been arrested for sure. I just got a brake job for $120, as opposed to $280 because the mechanic had a thing for me so he took care of it off the clock and outside the shop to get me a better deal. And the list goes on and on im sure im forgetting a million other good things. And just yesterday the company hit an all time high in revenue 16gs in one day. A $1,600 of which I accounted for so my boss congratulated bought me lunch, invited me to dinner and drinks at his house and is trying to hook me up with his cousin, and on top of that he wants to get me over to sales where I will be making a $1000 a week.

Not to mention Im back on my flow and out of the dating world of 20 year olds. I have been asked out on dates by a financial analyst in Salt Lake, a guy who works for Goldmansachs, and a Lawyer. And 7 others who arent really worth mentioning the strange thing is none of them really catch my attention. The lawyer straight up wanted a booty call so I shut him down and he deleted me on facebook lol, the others I just brush off this sounds a bit twisted but I think I get more satisfaction from turning them down than than what a hook up would bring.And last not but not least I leave to Mexico on Friday as b-day trip for myself. 22 you were such a bitch of a year but in the end it was all worth it because I wouldn't trade the position Im in now for anything. Thanks to collapse of everything I knew last year and the change of surroundings in New York Im able to appreciate every little occurrence in my life.New York now just seems like a dream the only things that confirm that indeed it happened are the fb accounts of the people I met and the ocasional text messages I get. Fate has a strange way of having things fall into place everything has come to a close, full circle I  even believe Steven is seeing his little ghetto ex-girlfriend again lol while Im back to making money. finishing school,and shutting down self actualized men. Life is good,shit................life is great :)

What ifs, Would haves, and Maybes

A peek into my journal I know it sounds gay but i keep one
8/2 @10:46 am MST (took place 4/1-7/12)

Ugh. Why do things have to happen the way they do. There are times with Steven Id never take back but there are times Id take anything over then spending them with him and thats where D comes in . We met the same night steven and i did he was 1 out of the cute guys sitting at the table that i mentioned in the entry about the night i fucked steven. We talked meaningless convo steven came over with the beer. One thing led to another and a month later we're a thing I dont see him again until the night of huka about 2 months later,(but im still attracted to him). He adds me on FB I find that we have alot of the same interests we both love kid cudi and dexter I skim over his status and pictures and discover that he has a great sense of humor. This bumps him up from stranger i find attractive. To funny cute guy I'd like to get to know if i were single. About another month later I see him again this time at the Ibiza lounge in the bronx,  the night of my bf's sisters 22nd birthday. THe night she turned lesbo on me and used huka as an excuse to get to my lips lol jk I love jess. As the night progresses and drinks are consumed I find myself dancing with D. First to reggateon (this whole time i keep my body at a 2 ft distance from him) because I have a bf I care about dearly. Bachata comes on I let him know I going to sit down because Idk how to dance. He says he'll teach me he gives up after 10 mins. I come to the conclusion that im too drunk to take bachata lessons from good ass Dominicans. So I take a seat and text my bf and let him know I suck at dancing, Im sweaty, tired,  drunk and I wanna go home.  One of his friends walks me out to the car. Im met with an unsually sweet Steven(who had been drinking hence the sweetness) we laugh, kiss, sing and cuddle the whole ride home we act like the  annoying couples I love to hate. Hell we even exchange our 1st te quieros. I end the night being grateful we met and happy with the way things worked out.
 But the reality is....Over the course of our short lived relationship this feeling was hardly there, there were more misses than hits mainly because of his IDGAF attitude towards me, due to the fact that i took on the role of the clingy gf  since i had no friends or family, job, gym or school to keep me occupied, treating me as if i were dispensable, here today and gone tomorrow. This grew old and i found myself counting down the days and telling myself only this many more days of it. I cut it off a week short of my departure, after being left alone to dine with a check at a mexican restaurant for a basketball game with his co workers. Convinced I'd never see him again , I went out with his bf Edwin(who is in love with my Sister) for drinks, 4 hours later i found my self in my  ex's bed. Knowing there were only 2 days left I decided to ride it out and make the best of it, so this of course included getting wasted with his sister at a bar in the Bronx on wing night.I vaguely remeber the night thank god for pictures but a few tid bits stand out, 1. me being a picture Nazi 2. planking 3. being very drunk and 4. confessing my attraction to D. Idk why i did or what i expected to come out of it i think i just did it because i knew there would be no consequences,my flight left the next night. But i was surprised to find that it was mutual he said something along the lines of  "i felt a connection we'd have good chemistry but you had a bf. (by now everyone knew we were broken up due to FB) After that i remember waking up on his shoulder in a car telling them to pull over cuz i had to puke, I remember scolding at him for trying to hold my hair while i was drunk ( I dont like ppl seeing me in that state or taking care of me) Another vague memory of him feeding me patacon and forcing me drink sprite and next thing i know im waking up next Steven trying to get him to wake up and force him to do something fun on my last day. I dont even think we had sex that morning Its weird to think that we had grown that tired of each other. We went to the beach with D and Angel despite a good time i could help but feel awkward here i was my ex bf, my what if, and his other friend who dropped hints of his interest while we grabbed lunch. Despite the fact that i never touched any of them I couldnt help but feel guilty and shaddy for Steven had no idea. I left New York with a feeling of Emptiness just as i had arrived, leaving nothing behind but the simple notion of what if.........

Ready to bid farewell

So its been awhile since my last post... couple of highlights since then

• Ended up in Brooklyn with a random I met on the train (not a good experience)
• Became official with my "my young flame"
• Met the fam
• Got kicked out of a Club for the first time 
• Touched lips with a female for the first time( my sister in law, bit awkward)

Oh and I also got  my first seat belt ticket, lots of first in New York! I should go out with a bang and do all the shit I haven't done and wouldn't do in Utah if you catch my drift  ;) But I wont.So, anyhow the following post was originally written May 31st I then had a change of heart and decided not to post it in but I find myself in the same mood again today so here it is unfinished..............

5/31/2011 EST @8:35 pm


New York , the city  where dreams come true filled with bright lights glitz glamour and fashion. Not the place where you carry diapers in your Coach Bag or get fashion tips from a 2 year old ( Sidney didnt like my fedora today) or make up tips from a 5 year old ( Max who instructs me on how and when I should do my make up). and definately not the place where you pay for your boyfriends gas and beer.

I came out here on whim I had nothing to lose. As the  quote says its not until youve lost every that your free to do anything.This was especially true for me, after  having lost "the one", lost my job, my car breaking down and having to move out of my old apt. I left mid semester I frankly just did not give a fuck anymore what was the worst that could happen? So why not hop a flight across the country to tend 3 little bastards and get poorly paid for it. Sounded like a good idea, since at the time I was doing the whole "church" thing abstaining from wordly goods (in my case sex and alcohol) . I had already lost my individuality why not my independence while Im at.  Yeah.... that lasted about 2 weeks once out here I began to meet ppl left and right in random bars, trains, streets, parties ect. Like they say you can take the b-ball player out the hood but you cant take the hood out the player. Likewise You can pull me out of a party but you cant take it  out of me, no matter where I am I will find it.

Long story short once I  accepted myself for what I am I came to terms with my broken engagement and was finally able to put it behind me I moved one step forward and 6 years back to a time where I didnt have a car, didnt have my own apt, didn't go to college, depended on my family(except for this is worse I depend on a white family, who isn't mine) and dated 20 year olds  who were barely getting their 1st car, worked part time and lived at their mom's house. Ive pretty much regressed in every aspect of my life, Im listening to reggaeton for christ sake( shit I listened to when I was 16-17), I've stopped going to the gym and become financially unorganized my savings went from the thousands to the hundreds. Im reliving my adolecence at the age 22, its time to go home.

Apparently I met my match. My little 20 year old turned out to be a bigger bitch than   I could be. if only all my heartbreaks knew. They would be jumping up and down rejoicing for today was the day when  I was played. Avenged were all the victims from my serial dating days. Not only was I stood up by this guy  but he had the audacity to tell me he didn't feel like picking me up (youngsters these days). Although I felt the end near,as my days in New York became numbered so did his interactions, whether it was another woman or I simply reached my expiration date i'll never know( I think it was a mix of both). All I know is that I've officially been outbitched. What can I say its been a long time coming.  Damn you karma and your effects on my dating life. Granted I ignored some calls, failed to respond to a few texts, turned down dates, because " I wasn't feeling it" and unintentionally led on some but I don't think I would have had the heart to tell a helpless, lonely, boy thousand of miles away from home to take a train to see me because I didn't feel like driving. I can tolerate my job but I have no tolerance for men.  Only problem now is,how am I going to get my dirty panties back?

26 days

 is what it took for me to trash the title of gf. Idk why..... but I guess I'm just not( for lack of a better word)"wifey" material. After all my experience labels come with great expectations only the best get to be my bf and only them get to see all of me. Until B came along no one had seen that side of me. The one who will cook and clean for a man, go out of my way to please and take care, hell  I didn't know that side of me existed or maybe I just had never been in the situation where it could be exposed. But now that I know it exists as soon as a label is put on she comes out and takes a peek over caring, over nurturing and overcompensating to a random man for what she failed to do enough with B. Even though I for the most part believe I have moved on I'm still haunted by the guilt of singlehandedly sabotaging my fairy-tale ending. Which your average Utahn would have killed for, a temple marriage to: a good-looking, intelligent, ambitious, talented, athletic ,Spanish speaking, charming,  black man. Shit Utah girls would  kill for any kind of marriage, with anyone but I had it all, on top of looking good on paper he made me laugh, treated me like a princess, was loyal and made me feel loved.

BUT... I got scared of what forever might be like beside the perfect man  constrained in a self righteous society and  my partying ways outweighed "my guaranteed salvation". Now I roam the streets of New York with a brown bag bottle in hand, sleeping with strangers. hahaha jk its not that bad, Im happy for the most part. My girls just came out and everything  is good. Im free , free from judgement, expectations, and misperceptions. I no longer stand out for not aspiring to be a housewife nor am I a bad person for ordering a drink.

Idk whether i made the right decision in regards to marriage, but I made the right decision in getting the fuck out of Utah. Im alot happier than when I left granted, I may drink a little too much and I may have slept with a stranger but hes a stranger I like. Although we're a bit short of a month ,  and have just broke up lol( not that it means anything its not like im gonna go fuck strangers or get on anyone else) its been two days nothing has changed we still see each other almost everyday and induldge in alot of great sex. I just feel much better without thinking or caring about where its going, or whether I  am treating him good enough, no great expectations to be delivered and no great expectations to be expected. I dont expect him to be anything but himself; good company, good lay, and a good time. Labeless is the way to be.I'm young and free in NYC, well.... at least  in long island :)

Labels and Expectations

Why is that we women expect so much more from something when its labeled? For some reason as I do with my clothes I  do with my men.  If my  Oakleys come with a scratch its unacceptable, however if my no name sunglasses break, I could careless. And its not even  about the price, if the Oakleys were free but I paid for  no namers, I would still expect more from the ones with labels. The same goes for a man who is my piece of ass if he didn't come to see me or invite me ehhh....... who gives a shit. However, if a boyfriend  pulls that shit its infuriating and I bitch. Seems like labels always make things more complicated but somehow people are always eager to put them on  from designer brands to girlfriend/boyfriend titles.

I knew this was going to happen and I should of gone with my gut, but I let myself get labeled. My one night stand who surprised me with flowers and teddy bears who constantly kept in touch slapped the label on me a couple nights ago and has now turned into my boyfriend who takes an hour or more to reply and stands me up. Unlike us, who maintain and care for an object or man, more once a label is involved, They on the other hand cease to  make an effort.  No longer do they have to go out of their way to  please you and keep you around they've marked  their territory like a dog marks his fire hydrant. They are now free to piss on you, whenever and however they please.

One night stand turned relationship

It took 4 hours to fuck him. 3 dates to like him. 2=1 sleepover to call him babe +1 blog to know him...and 12 days to become his girlfriend. I wonder how long it will take us to break up?