Monday, August 6, 2012
Someone New and the notion of something old
8/5/2012 10:54pm
Wish I would have been writing more. I feel like my most my recent romantic endeavor is going to need some documentation since it's near its end.
I'd like to remember the butterflies and my vision of him through rose colored glasses the perfect man I saw while blinded by the feeling and rush of someone new. The excitement, the possibilities, the feeling of your heart racing. That high that only a new man can produce. Then you both become real. Both his and your flaws start to surface and the countdown begins, the sand in the hour glass begins to slip as you both commence the begining to the end.You begin to see the imperfections and they begin to block the vision of what you fell in love with, the mirage of perfection. The man who you met, the reflection of what you percieved to be yourself in four years, The self actualization, the success, the intelligiance, your mutual tastes, interests, and views. From music ,art, self expression, relationships, the world, politics, and humanity, This vision/perception of his persona begins to fall apart and becomes foreshadowed by his actions.
The fact he claims to love you but only late at night or when he is drunk. The way he only calls you when inebriated. The fact that all the good times between you 2 took place due to drunken nights you happened to end up at his place on you or someone else's accord . The fact That the only sober good times you can recall your responsible for. How it just so happens that every date you two went on only happened because you were there.Drunk the previous night and stayed, so he suggested breakfast, lunch or a movie since you were already there. His jealous interoggations his wild accusations and assumptions the way he demoralizes your character condescendingly and addresses your doubts.
Eventually you get to a fork in the road where you have to ask yourself is it worth it? Are you selling your self short? Should you pull the plug before the memory of the perfect man is completely gone?
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Always remember ladies: Younger boys= fun Older guys= Relationships
1/29/12
I jumped the gun. One weekend with D in NY and I hadnt been able to stop talking about him to my mom, my friends, my exes anyone who would listen. I failed to go out on friday due to regression into that phase of calming down because you have someone.That comfort of knowing that someone out there thinks and cares about you as much you do or at least you hope. Envisioning what the near future beside that person might be like all to find out that I was alone in this feeling and it was only one ended.
Two months ago he mentioned that he had gotten me a gift, I thought to myself shit, I didn't know we were gonna do gifts. I didnt think we were to that point, but if he was doing so, so was I. So for the next 2 days I stressed myself out asking every guy I knew for ideas researching websites and going out of my budget( take into mind this happened during my finacial crisis where I didnt even have a dollar to spare.) to find the perfect gift I ended coming up with a webcam and a year subscrition of Maxim magazine, not the perfect gift, but what man would complain. I eagerly awaited the mail wondering what he could have possibly gotten me. "After having it shipped back to him" He decided he would give it to me in NY. Once there he didnt want to "ruin the excitement". And wanted to mail it to me. Once home, I recieved an overnighted package of tostones. Which made me smile how sweet of him to remember my craving and I took it as a sweet gesture. Come to find out this was my Christmas present. This was what I had eagerly been waiting for all along. A last minute gift based on a last minute craving I had on the way to the airport. Realizing now the shallowness of our relationship. I despise my gullibility and my patheticness how did i care this quick for this...?
To make matters worse since I thought it was only a sweet gesture I proceeded in the same way and mailed him a party favor I had gotten in Park City. Which he recieved yesterday and didnt acknowledge, mention,or thank me for, until today. To add insult to injury he showed it to his friends, who knew that banana chips had been what I got for christmas. Gotta love looking dumb and desperate. I feel like one of G's dads lovers the older ladies who date him, do everything for him all in exchange for a good fucking.
The problem here isnt the Christmas gift (although a major downgrade since my last gift from a bf was a coach bag, followed by an entire collection of Paris Hilton perfume from a rebound the following year.) The problem here is discovering an uneven balance. Jokes on me, ha ha ha?! How is it that after 2 out of 3 younger guys who all along I know arent relationship material I walk into this trap. Que estupidez la mia al pensar de nuevo que un nino sin trabajo y aun en la casa de sus padres se podria comparar a el hombre q fue B. Which by the way I had dinner with a few nights ago and learned he now owns his own house. Why oh why, did I let that one go?
I jumped the gun. One weekend with D in NY and I hadnt been able to stop talking about him to my mom, my friends, my exes anyone who would listen. I failed to go out on friday due to regression into that phase of calming down because you have someone.That comfort of knowing that someone out there thinks and cares about you as much you do or at least you hope. Envisioning what the near future beside that person might be like all to find out that I was alone in this feeling and it was only one ended.
Two months ago he mentioned that he had gotten me a gift, I thought to myself shit, I didn't know we were gonna do gifts. I didnt think we were to that point, but if he was doing so, so was I. So for the next 2 days I stressed myself out asking every guy I knew for ideas researching websites and going out of my budget( take into mind this happened during my finacial crisis where I didnt even have a dollar to spare.) to find the perfect gift I ended coming up with a webcam and a year subscrition of Maxim magazine, not the perfect gift, but what man would complain. I eagerly awaited the mail wondering what he could have possibly gotten me. "After having it shipped back to him" He decided he would give it to me in NY. Once there he didnt want to "ruin the excitement". And wanted to mail it to me. Once home, I recieved an overnighted package of tostones. Which made me smile how sweet of him to remember my craving and I took it as a sweet gesture. Come to find out this was my Christmas present. This was what I had eagerly been waiting for all along. A last minute gift based on a last minute craving I had on the way to the airport. Realizing now the shallowness of our relationship. I despise my gullibility and my patheticness how did i care this quick for this...?
To make matters worse since I thought it was only a sweet gesture I proceeded in the same way and mailed him a party favor I had gotten in Park City. Which he recieved yesterday and didnt acknowledge, mention,or thank me for, until today. To add insult to injury he showed it to his friends, who knew that banana chips had been what I got for christmas. Gotta love looking dumb and desperate. I feel like one of G's dads lovers the older ladies who date him, do everything for him all in exchange for a good fucking.
The problem here isnt the Christmas gift (although a major downgrade since my last gift from a bf was a coach bag, followed by an entire collection of Paris Hilton perfume from a rebound the following year.) The problem here is discovering an uneven balance. Jokes on me, ha ha ha?! How is it that after 2 out of 3 younger guys who all along I know arent relationship material I walk into this trap. Que estupidez la mia al pensar de nuevo que un nino sin trabajo y aun en la casa de sus padres se podria comparar a el hombre q fue B. Which by the way I had dinner with a few nights ago and learned he now owns his own house. Why oh why, did I let that one go?
Monday, December 5, 2011
Coincidences
What the hell is wrong with me?! I have D in New York (who is awesome, if only he were here) Yet have moments where I reminisce in those rare instances in the dorm where only my cub and I existed having sex,not having sex, laughing our ass off,getting ambushed by a camerea, watching the rain while sharing a cig, sitting in his sweats, laying in his bed. Then there are those instances where I miss B, the instances when I call Ed and with a phone call my problems suddenly seize to exist, where he holds the power to change my outlook within mins (which noone else can achieve only him).Then there is Tino.
I first saw him last year when I still lived in my nice apt during the days where I looked amazing with a vegenece when getting back at B with my looks was my only Ammo. I had just gotten off work and was pulling into my parking spot. Sunglasses on, skin tan, wearing a pastel pink summer dress, paired with low, nude colored heels sporting my brand new haircut going from long to short I was set on showing him what he had missed out on. As I gathered my belongings T was coming down the stairs I stepped out of my car we noticed each other. He was tall, latin, tan, muscular, clean cut. In short everything I wanted in a man physically. Then he shot me a smile, a smile that weakend me I felt my face grow hot and my lips open to show a smile that smile that says I want you he said Hi. I said hi then I rushed upstairs to hide my interest and hold back my butterflies. I called Jackie, "Omg I just saw the cutest guy and he lives below me hes latin cute annnnd goes to school, I saw his parking pass." After this I saw him a couple more times in and out he once offered to carry my groceries up to my apt. Couple months after our first run-in I discovered he was taken, when I spotted them together at church she was dark skinned perfect body, great smile she was gorgeous, I disliked her instantly and even more when I saw her dance to latin music and a little more when I ran into them in my parking lot. Long story short I completely forgot about him.
After NY, after Lehi and now in Provo........... he resurfaced. Lo que es la vida. I was helping my sister sell cupcakes when I ran into my cousin Luis we started talkin about NY about volunteering with the latin communtity etc. I continued on with my day later that night he texted me "you have to meet my friend hes from Brooklyn he is in charge of the Latino movement at UVU, come over I'm at his place."So I drove over to find.....as soon as the door opened, that same man who lived below me I was stunned. I proceeded to question him. "Dont I know you from somewhere? Yeah, you used to live right below me?!" He responded uninterested "Um maybe......where? No, I dont think so, he replied." We then moved on to talking about various projects he'd like me in and different opportuities to meet ppl who would help me advance in my career then it slipped he mentioned his wife. He had married the Dominican chick while I had been in NY I was slightly disappointed then slightly excited, when right after I learned they were in the middle of a divorce. Since then We've hung out 3 times where his interest in me has also resurfaced. Since our first official and initial introduction he has made several verbal advances. Which I playfully dissmissed by saying I would never date him because he was a RM( a returned missionary) after B, I refuse to go through another similar ordeal. We hung out in groups until tonight when we out for sushi and he discovered I was in fact(in his words) "OMG?!.....that hot chick that lived upstairs, that was you." Its funny to learn he had the same reaction I did despite being in a relationship he felt the need to call his "bro" and metion that he still had it since the hot chick upstairs had just checked him out. This mutual acknowledgement of this small event where we both crossed paths over a year ago on both of our parts has now put an odd spin on our friendship as if we were meant to meet again its an eerie combination of a simultaneous good/ wierd/odd feeling. God what am I getting into.................
I first saw him last year when I still lived in my nice apt during the days where I looked amazing with a vegenece when getting back at B with my looks was my only Ammo. I had just gotten off work and was pulling into my parking spot. Sunglasses on, skin tan, wearing a pastel pink summer dress, paired with low, nude colored heels sporting my brand new haircut going from long to short I was set on showing him what he had missed out on. As I gathered my belongings T was coming down the stairs I stepped out of my car we noticed each other. He was tall, latin, tan, muscular, clean cut. In short everything I wanted in a man physically. Then he shot me a smile, a smile that weakend me I felt my face grow hot and my lips open to show a smile that smile that says I want you he said Hi. I said hi then I rushed upstairs to hide my interest and hold back my butterflies. I called Jackie, "Omg I just saw the cutest guy and he lives below me hes latin cute annnnd goes to school, I saw his parking pass." After this I saw him a couple more times in and out he once offered to carry my groceries up to my apt. Couple months after our first run-in I discovered he was taken, when I spotted them together at church she was dark skinned perfect body, great smile she was gorgeous, I disliked her instantly and even more when I saw her dance to latin music and a little more when I ran into them in my parking lot. Long story short I completely forgot about him.
After NY, after Lehi and now in Provo........... he resurfaced. Lo que es la vida. I was helping my sister sell cupcakes when I ran into my cousin Luis we started talkin about NY about volunteering with the latin communtity etc. I continued on with my day later that night he texted me "you have to meet my friend hes from Brooklyn he is in charge of the Latino movement at UVU, come over I'm at his place."So I drove over to find.....as soon as the door opened, that same man who lived below me I was stunned. I proceeded to question him. "Dont I know you from somewhere? Yeah, you used to live right below me?!" He responded uninterested "Um maybe......where? No, I dont think so, he replied." We then moved on to talking about various projects he'd like me in and different opportuities to meet ppl who would help me advance in my career then it slipped he mentioned his wife. He had married the Dominican chick while I had been in NY I was slightly disappointed then slightly excited, when right after I learned they were in the middle of a divorce. Since then We've hung out 3 times where his interest in me has also resurfaced. Since our first official and initial introduction he has made several verbal advances. Which I playfully dissmissed by saying I would never date him because he was a RM( a returned missionary) after B, I refuse to go through another similar ordeal. We hung out in groups until tonight when we out for sushi and he discovered I was in fact(in his words) "OMG?!.....that hot chick that lived upstairs, that was you." Its funny to learn he had the same reaction I did despite being in a relationship he felt the need to call his "bro" and metion that he still had it since the hot chick upstairs had just checked him out. This mutual acknowledgement of this small event where we both crossed paths over a year ago on both of our parts has now put an odd spin on our friendship as if we were meant to meet again its an eerie combination of a simultaneous good/ wierd/odd feeling. God what am I getting into.................
Monday, November 7, 2011
Here,There, and In between
11/7/2011 @ 6:41 pm
Lots has happened since my last entry, couple notable strokes of bad luck: Got ripped off my commision, got my cell phone jacked, hit a car, and lost my prescription glasses. Oh I moved into what might as well may be a half way house And have been doing terrible at school and not making enough money at work. On the bright side I just dropped off my Dominican at the airport this morning after a weekend that resembled Rihana's We fell in love video, minus the drugs.
(took place Oct 13-Oct 20)
As far as coping wtih my shitty turn of events I've been coping the best way I know how. By drowning myself in booze and men. Yeah I know Its unhealthy. And yes i know im only adding to my problem but im only human. And naturally when faced with failure we tend to look for immediate satisfaction, to fill the void (in my case the lack of accomplishment) with our vices. For a month now my weekends have become routine waking up in a random room with little or no recollection what happened the night before. Which has led to 3 random make outs. Which I blame the combination of pent up sexual frustration, regular frustration and alcohol for.
Random make out #1 and # 2 took place at the treehouse during what turned out to be a underwear party. Which I recall very little of, something about truth or dare, my friends roommate stomping out pissed off while "the rapist" removed his pants. and something about me kissing my gayfriend but since my memory was a bit cloudy. I called my roommates, come to find out it was worse then what I thought. Not only, had I kissed my gay friend but I had also made out with a random black guy, both within minutes of each other, and walked around in my undies. My poor mother.
One week later I had make out #3,I remember it much more clear than 1 or 2. I woke up to the stentch of rotten mildewy smell, I looked around the room in search of the orgin of the stench .To my right I found mountains upon mountains of dirty socks, briefs, beer bottles and half eaten junk food. I gazed awe que cerdo would be capable of this mess? My skin felt wet and dirty. Wtf did i piss in this bed? I looked under the covers.Holy shit why am I naked? I looked over to my left and saw a slightly obese smelly young guy who sweat so bad that it caused the bed to feel as if someone had wet it. In my horror I woke him up and screamed "why is this bed wet? Where are my clothes." He replied in adam sandlers water boy voice and stutters "We spilt beer on it last night. . He leaned over to kiss me I turned my cheek and said "morning Breath" I got to get out of here I thought. I immediately got dressed. "What the rush he asked jus tay her, watch football wit me, we'll get food, I ll hep you look for your phone," said yoga bear.I let out a sigh"....K" and walked to use the restroom to find what appeared to be a freddy kruger claw mark on my neck which actually turned out to be a hicky. Wtf ?!I I gasped outloud in shock. I took the opportunity to examine what other marks this beast had left since my nipple was also in some serious pain. I pulled my shirt down to find a huge as bite mark surrounding my areola. Although your assuming i probably fucked the kid. I didn't. Being drunk may facilitate your ability to act on impulse, but it does not change them, and the impulse to fuck yoga bear was never on my agenda. I sat on the toilet and felt a slight pain on my right cheek. Who or what the fuck was this monster where did he get off thinking that women enjoy being eaten like a meat literally he was a god damn cannibal. This mother fucker had chopped all over my body. I looked in the mirror to find a bruised bite mark on my bottom right cheek. "I walked out of the bathroom. He mentioned some kind of future dates between me and him.Oh no this kid thinks I like him. I went down stairs to look for my phone but did not find it I was so busy dancing dem bow and falling over the previous night, that I had left it plugged into the speakers when yoga bear picked me off the floor and took me into his room. Worst part is I wasnt even dancing with him he had no business faking an attempt to help me out and using it as his opportunity to be alone with me.
I found myself getting thrown on his bed and being ravaged as prey this guy was literally a dog drooling on my ear biting my neck making weird noises and these werent little gentle licks or nibbles either these were full on chomps as if he were eating me like steak. I kept saying ow, ouch and complaing but he some how interpreted this as give me more this feels great, so he then continued to rip off my clothes meanwhile sticking his toungue in and out of my mouth as if he were having sex with it. He then attempted to go down on me this split second was so terrible and painful that I yelled im on my period!! You cant."(This was of course a lie) "Oh I dont mind, in that case i'll get a condom. I yelled NOOOOO! Just stop, stop! Go to bed Im tired. " "ok, I respect that" answered yoga bear "we'll just cuddle."" Thank you!" Holy shit how could you be so terrible? I thought where did he learn this stuff? How did his ex put with this for 6 months? Worst piece in the history of pieces! wakala. I went home showered and logged into my fb to find a message from him letting me know he had not found my phone but he had bought me a toothbrush for the next time I stayed the night so i could kiss him in the morning.Wow.... some people's obliviousness.
I havent had any random makeouts with him or anyone else since and solemnly swear not to, ever again. My pent up frustration has been taken care of by D and im good for another 4 months.
Lots has happened since my last entry, couple notable strokes of bad luck: Got ripped off my commision, got my cell phone jacked, hit a car, and lost my prescription glasses. Oh I moved into what might as well may be a half way house And have been doing terrible at school and not making enough money at work. On the bright side I just dropped off my Dominican at the airport this morning after a weekend that resembled Rihana's We fell in love video, minus the drugs.
(took place Oct 13-Oct 20)
As far as coping wtih my shitty turn of events I've been coping the best way I know how. By drowning myself in booze and men. Yeah I know Its unhealthy. And yes i know im only adding to my problem but im only human. And naturally when faced with failure we tend to look for immediate satisfaction, to fill the void (in my case the lack of accomplishment) with our vices. For a month now my weekends have become routine waking up in a random room with little or no recollection what happened the night before. Which has led to 3 random make outs. Which I blame the combination of pent up sexual frustration, regular frustration and alcohol for.
Random make out #1 and # 2 took place at the treehouse during what turned out to be a underwear party. Which I recall very little of, something about truth or dare, my friends roommate stomping out pissed off while "the rapist" removed his pants. and something about me kissing my gayfriend but since my memory was a bit cloudy. I called my roommates, come to find out it was worse then what I thought. Not only, had I kissed my gay friend but I had also made out with a random black guy, both within minutes of each other, and walked around in my undies. My poor mother.
 |
| This is what I woke up in |
One week later I had make out #3,I remember it much more clear than 1 or 2. I woke up to the stentch of rotten mildewy smell, I looked around the room in search of the orgin of the stench .To my right I found mountains upon mountains of dirty socks, briefs, beer bottles and half eaten junk food. I gazed awe que cerdo would be capable of this mess? My skin felt wet and dirty. Wtf did i piss in this bed? I looked under the covers.Holy shit why am I naked? I looked over to my left and saw a slightly obese smelly young guy who sweat so bad that it caused the bed to feel as if someone had wet it. In my horror I woke him up and screamed "why is this bed wet? Where are my clothes." He replied in adam sandlers water boy voice and stutters "We spilt beer on it last night. . He leaned over to kiss me I turned my cheek and said "morning Breath" I got to get out of here I thought. I immediately got dressed. "What the rush he asked jus tay her, watch football wit me, we'll get food, I ll hep you look for your phone," said yoga bear.I let out a sigh"....K" and walked to use the restroom to find what appeared to be a freddy kruger claw mark on my neck which actually turned out to be a hicky. Wtf ?!I I gasped outloud in shock. I took the opportunity to examine what other marks this beast had left since my nipple was also in some serious pain. I pulled my shirt down to find a huge as bite mark surrounding my areola. Although your assuming i probably fucked the kid. I didn't. Being drunk may facilitate your ability to act on impulse, but it does not change them, and the impulse to fuck yoga bear was never on my agenda. I sat on the toilet and felt a slight pain on my right cheek. Who or what the fuck was this monster where did he get off thinking that women enjoy being eaten like a meat literally he was a god damn cannibal. This mother fucker had chopped all over my body. I looked in the mirror to find a bruised bite mark on my bottom right cheek. "I walked out of the bathroom. He mentioned some kind of future dates between me and him.Oh no this kid thinks I like him. I went down stairs to look for my phone but did not find it I was so busy dancing dem bow and falling over the previous night, that I had left it plugged into the speakers when yoga bear picked me off the floor and took me into his room. Worst part is I wasnt even dancing with him he had no business faking an attempt to help me out and using it as his opportunity to be alone with me.
I found myself getting thrown on his bed and being ravaged as prey this guy was literally a dog drooling on my ear biting my neck making weird noises and these werent little gentle licks or nibbles either these were full on chomps as if he were eating me like steak. I kept saying ow, ouch and complaing but he some how interpreted this as give me more this feels great, so he then continued to rip off my clothes meanwhile sticking his toungue in and out of my mouth as if he were having sex with it. He then attempted to go down on me this split second was so terrible and painful that I yelled im on my period!! You cant."(This was of course a lie) "Oh I dont mind, in that case i'll get a condom. I yelled NOOOOO! Just stop, stop! Go to bed Im tired. " "ok, I respect that" answered yoga bear "we'll just cuddle."" Thank you!" Holy shit how could you be so terrible? I thought where did he learn this stuff? How did his ex put with this for 6 months? Worst piece in the history of pieces! wakala. I went home showered and logged into my fb to find a message from him letting me know he had not found my phone but he had bought me a toothbrush for the next time I stayed the night so i could kiss him in the morning.Wow.... some people's obliviousness.
I havent had any random makeouts with him or anyone else since and solemnly swear not to, ever again. My pent up frustration has been taken care of by D and im good for another 4 months.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
God Hates Me............
10/19/2011 3:14pm MST
God hates me…. He has given many reaffirmations these past couple of days. In addition to everything listed in the previous entry ,shit got worse on Oct 4th.
I woke up early with a positive attitude I was gonna make this day my bitch. Workout, studying and acing a test, was what was on my agenda. Instead it went like this……….woke up to $200 dollars missing in my bank account. Went to the bank wasted an hour stressing to find out it was only my rent check clearing. On my way from the bank to the school I received my first ever collection phone call so much for my 680 credit score turns out I forgot to pay a Dr’s bill before leaving to NY. There is now $400 dollars due half of which is fees and interest. I decided I was gonna get my commission no matter what it took made a quick stop and filed a complaint. Once at the school while digging through my trunk for school books I found a Government envelope, must’ve been some of the mail my mom had given me on my last visit to Delta. Opened it up and got more good news. I was being charged for fraud for an overpayment of $8 on UEB which happened right before I left to NY while I was gone an additional $200 in income was reported I immediately called them requested the records and gathered paperwork to file an appeal.( An appeal which I have not filed yet) I was down 6 hours of my day despite my level of stress I told myself that nothing was gonna bring me down.I was gonna study for this Exam and kick ass. I took a seat in the 4th floor of the library turned my computer on to find (wait for it)............ it wasn’t working. So I then had to walk my happy ass all over campus all the way to the IT dept and on my awesome walk my phone stopped working. I no longer had music to keeping my sanity. I was gonna lose my shit, right then the urge to punch everyone that crossed my path arose, but I suppressed it. Continued on with my day until I tried paying my NY tickets after half an hour of no success I almost lost it again, and gave up momentarily logged on to facebook crossing my fingers that my best friend would be on so I could let it all out, before I imploded. Of course with my luck that was not the case and out the 15 ppl that were on she wasn’t one of them instead my awesome lil NY ex-boyfriend was on I had to let it out , I felt like my insides were boiling I had never experienced so much failure in my life, let alone in one day. So…......... I skyped him.
I should have known better For this all I got out of him, “You look like your about to cry” No shit Einstein I just told you about the shit day Im having. I thought to myself. “That sucks”……he continued “anyway my ex gf” I don’t give a fuck about your ex gf right now, again thinking to myself. Apparently he read my mind. “Does it bother you when I talk about her.?” Implying I was jealous this pissed me off even more. I had bigger fish to fry and far bigger concerns than his immature ex gf problems. “Wait my new girl is calling me, BRB” and just like that he was gone. God damnit!! Why the fuck did I expose myself and my shitty situation especially to a shitty person who did not give a fuck?!
That was it. I had, had enough! Something was gonna work for me today even if it killed me. It had to, so I set out to study 6 hrs later I walked out of the testing center expecting at least an 85% and got slapped in the face with a 66%. I laughed in disbelief, once in my car my laughter turned into hysterical sobs. After a couple of close calls during the day, I completely lost my shit. I cried harder than I ever remember and reproached God all throughout my commute. “What the hell is your problem? Why me? Why don’t you do this to evil ppl, murders, CEO’s, Wall street brokers, Lawyers, salesmen? Im not bad, I don’t deserve this , k so maybe I corrupted two of your virgin men but that’s it! And it wasn’t all my fault it takes 2 tango! And yeah so I drink too, a lot of other ppl do,go after them stop sending all this shit my way! He never responded or maybe he did because the next day I learned that in my decision to move departments I had gotten my pay cut as well as my hours. Hows that for a big F YOU from the man upstairs.
God hates me…. He has given many reaffirmations these past couple of days. In addition to everything listed in the previous entry ,shit got worse on Oct 4th.
I woke up early with a positive attitude I was gonna make this day my bitch. Workout, studying and acing a test, was what was on my agenda. Instead it went like this……….woke up to $200 dollars missing in my bank account. Went to the bank wasted an hour stressing to find out it was only my rent check clearing. On my way from the bank to the school I received my first ever collection phone call so much for my 680 credit score turns out I forgot to pay a Dr’s bill before leaving to NY. There is now $400 dollars due half of which is fees and interest. I decided I was gonna get my commission no matter what it took made a quick stop and filed a complaint. Once at the school while digging through my trunk for school books I found a Government envelope, must’ve been some of the mail my mom had given me on my last visit to Delta. Opened it up and got more good news. I was being charged for fraud for an overpayment of $8 on UEB which happened right before I left to NY while I was gone an additional $200 in income was reported I immediately called them requested the records and gathered paperwork to file an appeal.( An appeal which I have not filed yet) I was down 6 hours of my day despite my level of stress I told myself that nothing was gonna bring me down.I was gonna study for this Exam and kick ass. I took a seat in the 4th floor of the library turned my computer on to find (wait for it)............ it wasn’t working. So I then had to walk my happy ass all over campus all the way to the IT dept and on my awesome walk my phone stopped working. I no longer had music to keeping my sanity. I was gonna lose my shit, right then the urge to punch everyone that crossed my path arose, but I suppressed it. Continued on with my day until I tried paying my NY tickets after half an hour of no success I almost lost it again, and gave up momentarily logged on to facebook crossing my fingers that my best friend would be on so I could let it all out, before I imploded. Of course with my luck that was not the case and out the 15 ppl that were on she wasn’t one of them instead my awesome lil NY ex-boyfriend was on I had to let it out , I felt like my insides were boiling I had never experienced so much failure in my life, let alone in one day. So…......... I skyped him.
I should have known better For this all I got out of him, “You look like your about to cry” No shit Einstein I just told you about the shit day Im having. I thought to myself. “That sucks”……he continued “anyway my ex gf” I don’t give a fuck about your ex gf right now, again thinking to myself. Apparently he read my mind. “Does it bother you when I talk about her.?” Implying I was jealous this pissed me off even more. I had bigger fish to fry and far bigger concerns than his immature ex gf problems. “Wait my new girl is calling me, BRB” and just like that he was gone. God damnit!! Why the fuck did I expose myself and my shitty situation especially to a shitty person who did not give a fuck?!
That was it. I had, had enough! Something was gonna work for me today even if it killed me. It had to, so I set out to study 6 hrs later I walked out of the testing center expecting at least an 85% and got slapped in the face with a 66%. I laughed in disbelief, once in my car my laughter turned into hysterical sobs. After a couple of close calls during the day, I completely lost my shit. I cried harder than I ever remember and reproached God all throughout my commute. “What the hell is your problem? Why me? Why don’t you do this to evil ppl, murders, CEO’s, Wall street brokers, Lawyers, salesmen? Im not bad, I don’t deserve this , k so maybe I corrupted two of your virgin men but that’s it! And it wasn’t all my fault it takes 2 tango! And yeah so I drink too, a lot of other ppl do,go after them stop sending all this shit my way! He never responded or maybe he did because the next day I learned that in my decision to move departments I had gotten my pay cut as well as my hours. Hows that for a big F YOU from the man upstairs.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Fuuuck
I've always been a pessimist. Its whats gotten me through the years. But all this changed upon returning from New York. And its this change of attitude that has gotten me in to the predicament I'm in now. I was so caught up in the moment and all the good things happening to me that I forgot to plan for rainy days. Now i find myself trying to make due for rent at two places, tuition, a car payment, insurance and all the ect bills.Lesson learned never deviate from whats worked for you your entire life. Life isn't always great so even when it is you have to always have a back up plan for rainy days such as today.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Viva Mexico!!!
I've always prided myself in how eventful and random my life is. Having stories from adventures in Vegas on $7 dollars, meeting strangers who hand you $200 dollars in Utah, shit in Wendover, shit in NY and now Mexico. But its getting old and my free spirit is growing weary and tired or maybe im just getting old. Despite all of this heres a recap.We explored Ensenada, partied in the heart of the town, and dipped our toes in the sand in San Diego. Now for the highlights...................
I brought in my 23rd year of life a week early @ Mango Mango with all the Mexican Marines we met earlier that night at Hussongs (an awesome old school bar est in 1823) which had live Mariachi and Banda . For all you who have partied with Mexicans you know just how it goes when you have all this added into the mix. After killing an unknown number of buckets with my newfound Marine friends, we ventured out into the next club. Mango Mango the scene was more Non traditional Mexican no sombreros or cowboy boots found here. Bachata, Merengue, Cumbias and some occasional Banda blaring out the speakers.
Once at a table I then continued my mission of aiding my fellow Marines kill buckets of beer, while dancing in between. In mid turn getting my Cumbia on, my dancing was cut short. Pissed off and disappointed I looked to the stage to find mariachis getting ready to play. Marine#3 grabbed my hand and rushed me on stage where Las Manaitas were now playing, a man stood with a cupcake in hand with a lit candle awaiting... Drunk and confused I thought this couldnt possibly be for me. When had they arranged this? Why? How? This was my dream come true how did they know I had always dreamed of the day where I would have live mariachis cantarme las mananitas instead of all the annoying picture msg/forwards I recieve on my birthday with the crappy audio. Sadly since it was so unexpected and such a surprise there are no pictures of me in this glorious moment, crowd cheering for me to blow out the candle, Mariachis playing, biting the cake and of course as mexican tradition has it..... getting my face shoved into the cake. Once I was cleaned off and ready to get off stage extremely satisfied the man holding a bottle of tequila let me know there was more, the party wasnt over yet. Omg!!!!? I was ecstatic this was literally was my dream come. I was asked to open my mouth and recieve shots of tequila squirted into my mouth. Upon swollowing , a man put his hand over my mouth and shook the shit out of me. I felt as if I had just had a spiritual awakening, got off stage in my full glory to ppl giving me hugs and birthday wishes.
Made my way over to a new dance partner and danced the night away until I felt I hit a wall, pretty early in the night since I had started @8 . I then pulled Tammy away from her Marine lover and let her know I had to lie down. We were then followed out of the club by our 2 wanna be Marine lovers who "just wanted to make sure we made it to our hotel room safe" and to make sure this was done they took the liberty of walking into our hotel room. Marine #1 crawling into Tams Bed, Tam and I turned to Marine #2 for answers and expectations we werent about to spend the night with 2 non goodlooking Marines we had just met in Mexico who on top of their ugliness were in commited relationships. Right then the room phone rang, we were saved by the bell. It was the reception desk letting us know that were not to be any over night guests and with that excuse and 3 phone calls later from the front desk we were finally able to get rid of them.
I stepped out on the balcony to enjoy my last satisfying moment of the night, behind a cigarette I reminisced on the earlier events of the day."What an awesome night", I thought to myself in mid drag "the only thing missing was birthday sex." Calm down E, I answered myself in thought your real birthday isn't until next week."
- I took Tammy to her 1st strip club in Mexicali, (For all of those who don't know Tam, Its a big deal.) Tam is one of the most conservative people I know, and by far the most innocent of my friends; still a virgin, doesn't drink, most genuine person I know, put in short shes awesome.Frankly Idk how she deals with our shit. Sorry Tam,we love you but the strip club was far more appealing than the streets of Mexico @2am on a Monday lol.
- Did the whole tourist thing: La bufudora, La Rumorosa, beach, shopping landmarks ect.
- And last but not least the biggest highlight of it all of course was the Bar scene:
I brought in my 23rd year of life a week early @ Mango Mango with all the Mexican Marines we met earlier that night at Hussongs (an awesome old school bar est in 1823) which had live Mariachi and Banda . For all you who have partied with Mexicans you know just how it goes when you have all this added into the mix. After killing an unknown number of buckets with my newfound Marine friends, we ventured out into the next club. Mango Mango the scene was more Non traditional Mexican no sombreros or cowboy boots found here. Bachata, Merengue, Cumbias and some occasional Banda blaring out the speakers.
Once at a table I then continued my mission of aiding my fellow Marines kill buckets of beer, while dancing in between. In mid turn getting my Cumbia on, my dancing was cut short. Pissed off and disappointed I looked to the stage to find mariachis getting ready to play. Marine#3 grabbed my hand and rushed me on stage where Las Manaitas were now playing, a man stood with a cupcake in hand with a lit candle awaiting... Drunk and confused I thought this couldnt possibly be for me. When had they arranged this? Why? How? This was my dream come true how did they know I had always dreamed of the day where I would have live mariachis cantarme las mananitas instead of all the annoying picture msg/forwards I recieve on my birthday with the crappy audio. Sadly since it was so unexpected and such a surprise there are no pictures of me in this glorious moment, crowd cheering for me to blow out the candle, Mariachis playing, biting the cake and of course as mexican tradition has it..... getting my face shoved into the cake. Once I was cleaned off and ready to get off stage extremely satisfied the man holding a bottle of tequila let me know there was more, the party wasnt over yet. Omg!!!!? I was ecstatic this was literally was my dream come. I was asked to open my mouth and recieve shots of tequila squirted into my mouth. Upon swollowing , a man put his hand over my mouth and shook the shit out of me. I felt as if I had just had a spiritual awakening, got off stage in my full glory to ppl giving me hugs and birthday wishes.
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| This is what my dad looks like(literally) |
Made my way over to a new dance partner and danced the night away until I felt I hit a wall, pretty early in the night since I had started @8 . I then pulled Tammy away from her Marine lover and let her know I had to lie down. We were then followed out of the club by our 2 wanna be Marine lovers who "just wanted to make sure we made it to our hotel room safe" and to make sure this was done they took the liberty of walking into our hotel room. Marine #1 crawling into Tams Bed, Tam and I turned to Marine #2 for answers and expectations we werent about to spend the night with 2 non goodlooking Marines we had just met in Mexico who on top of their ugliness were in commited relationships. Right then the room phone rang, we were saved by the bell. It was the reception desk letting us know that were not to be any over night guests and with that excuse and 3 phone calls later from the front desk we were finally able to get rid of them.
I stepped out on the balcony to enjoy my last satisfying moment of the night, behind a cigarette I reminisced on the earlier events of the day."What an awesome night", I thought to myself in mid drag "the only thing missing was birthday sex." Calm down E, I answered myself in thought your real birthday isn't until next week."
Friday, September 9, 2011
Life is great :)
If i had the power to freeze time I would freeze it here for one last year to savor my youth and just how good life is. Ever since Ive been back from New York its like my life just put itself back together so effortlessly and oh so perfectly. After a 2 week long binge of traveling and celebrating my home coming I walked into my Apartment and as soon as I opened the door to my room my phone rang It was a job offer from a company I had applied to a month before I left, I started the same week. Some how I ended up living at the house where my homecoming party was thrown paying $200 dollars a month, with no utilities, and 3 guys who treat me as little sister and have by far been the best roommates ever.
Took a trip to Vegas all expenses paid. Registered for classes 2 wks before they started miraculously obtained the schedule and teachers I wanted. Got off 2 parking tickets and most recently. Got off a DUI and not only did I get off, the cop didn't even run my license! If he had he would have found 2 unpaid tickets from NY and I would have been arrested for sure. I just got a brake job for $120, as opposed to $280 because the mechanic had a thing for me so he took care of it off the clock and outside the shop to get me a better deal. And the list goes on and on im sure im forgetting a million other good things. And just yesterday the company hit an all time high in revenue 16gs in one day. A $1,600 of which I accounted for so my boss congratulated bought me lunch, invited me to dinner and drinks at his house and is trying to hook me up with his cousin, and on top of that he wants to get me over to sales where I will be making a $1000 a week.
Not to mention Im back on my flow and out of the dating world of 20 year olds. I have been asked out on dates by a financial analyst in Salt Lake, a guy who works for Goldmansachs, and a Lawyer. And 7 others who arent really worth mentioning the strange thing is none of them really catch my attention. The lawyer straight up wanted a booty call so I shut him down and he deleted me on facebook lol, the others I just brush off this sounds a bit twisted but I think I get more satisfaction from turning them down than than what a hook up would bring.And last not but not least I leave to Mexico on Friday as b-day trip for myself. 22 you were such a bitch of a year but in the end it was all worth it because I wouldn't trade the position Im in now for anything. Thanks to collapse of everything I knew last year and the change of surroundings in New York Im able to appreciate every little occurrence in my life.New York now just seems like a dream the only things that confirm that indeed it happened are the fb accounts of the people I met and the ocasional text messages I get. Fate has a strange way of having things fall into place everything has come to a close, full circle I even believe Steven is seeing his little ghetto ex-girlfriend again lol while Im back to making money. finishing school,and shutting down self actualized men. Life is good,shit................life is great :)
Took a trip to Vegas all expenses paid. Registered for classes 2 wks before they started miraculously obtained the schedule and teachers I wanted. Got off 2 parking tickets and most recently. Got off a DUI and not only did I get off, the cop didn't even run my license! If he had he would have found 2 unpaid tickets from NY and I would have been arrested for sure. I just got a brake job for $120, as opposed to $280 because the mechanic had a thing for me so he took care of it off the clock and outside the shop to get me a better deal. And the list goes on and on im sure im forgetting a million other good things. And just yesterday the company hit an all time high in revenue 16gs in one day. A $1,600 of which I accounted for so my boss congratulated bought me lunch, invited me to dinner and drinks at his house and is trying to hook me up with his cousin, and on top of that he wants to get me over to sales where I will be making a $1000 a week.
Not to mention Im back on my flow and out of the dating world of 20 year olds. I have been asked out on dates by a financial analyst in Salt Lake, a guy who works for Goldmansachs, and a Lawyer. And 7 others who arent really worth mentioning the strange thing is none of them really catch my attention. The lawyer straight up wanted a booty call so I shut him down and he deleted me on facebook lol, the others I just brush off this sounds a bit twisted but I think I get more satisfaction from turning them down than than what a hook up would bring.And last not but not least I leave to Mexico on Friday as b-day trip for myself. 22 you were such a bitch of a year but in the end it was all worth it because I wouldn't trade the position Im in now for anything. Thanks to collapse of everything I knew last year and the change of surroundings in New York Im able to appreciate every little occurrence in my life.New York now just seems like a dream the only things that confirm that indeed it happened are the fb accounts of the people I met and the ocasional text messages I get. Fate has a strange way of having things fall into place everything has come to a close, full circle I even believe Steven is seeing his little ghetto ex-girlfriend again lol while Im back to making money. finishing school,and shutting down self actualized men. Life is good,shit................life is great :)
Monday, August 22, 2011
What ifs, Would haves, and Maybes
A peek into my journal I know it sounds gay but i keep one
8/2 @10:46 am MST (took place 4/1-7/12)
Ugh. Why do things have to happen the way they do. There are times with Steven Id never take back but there are times Id take anything over then spending them with him and thats where D comes in . We met the same night steven and i did he was 1 out of the cute guys sitting at the table that i mentioned in the entry about the night i fucked steven. We talked meaningless convo steven came over with the beer. One thing led to another and a month later we're a thing I dont see him again until the night of huka about 2 months later,(but im still attracted to him). He adds me on FB I find that we have alot of the same interests we both love kid cudi and dexter I skim over his status and pictures and discover that he has a great sense of humor. This bumps him up from stranger i find attractive. To funny cute guy I'd like to get to know if i were single. About another month later I see him again this time at the Ibiza lounge in the bronx, the night of my bf's sisters 22nd birthday. THe night she turned lesbo on me and used huka as an excuse to get to my lips lol jk I love jess. As the night progresses and drinks are consumed I find myself dancing with D. First to reggateon (this whole time i keep my body at a 2 ft distance from him) because I have a bf I care about dearly. Bachata comes on I let him know I going to sit down because Idk how to dance. He says he'll teach me he gives up after 10 mins. I come to the conclusion that im too drunk to take bachata lessons from good ass Dominicans. So I take a seat and text my bf and let him know I suck at dancing, Im sweaty, tired, drunk and I wanna go home. One of his friends walks me out to the car. Im met with an unsually sweet Steven(who had been drinking hence the sweetness) we laugh, kiss, sing and cuddle the whole ride home we act like the annoying couples I love to hate. Hell we even exchange our 1st te quieros. I end the night being grateful we met and happy with the way things worked out.
But the reality is....Over the course of our short lived relationship this feeling was hardly there, there were more misses than hits mainly because of his IDGAF attitude towards me, due to the fact that i took on the role of the clingy gf since i had no friends or family, job, gym or school to keep me occupied, treating me as if i were dispensable, here today and gone tomorrow. This grew old and i found myself counting down the days and telling myself only this many more days of it. I cut it off a week short of my departure, after being left alone to dine with a check at a mexican restaurant for a basketball game with his co workers. Convinced I'd never see him again , I went out with his bf Edwin(who is in love with my Sister) for drinks, 4 hours later i found my self in my ex's bed. Knowing there were only 2 days left I decided to ride it out and make the best of it, so this of course included getting wasted with his sister at a bar in the Bronx on wing night.I vaguely remeber the night thank god for pictures but a few tid bits stand out, 1. me being a picture Nazi 2. planking 3. being very drunk and 4. confessing my attraction to D. Idk why i did or what i expected to come out of it i think i just did it because i knew there would be no consequences,my flight left the next night. But i was surprised to find that it was mutual he said something along the lines of "i felt a connection we'd have good chemistry but you had a bf. (by now everyone knew we were broken up due to FB) After that i remember waking up on his shoulder in a car telling them to pull over cuz i had to puke, I remember scolding at him for trying to hold my hair while i was drunk ( I dont like ppl seeing me in that state or taking care of me) Another vague memory of him feeding me patacon and forcing me drink sprite and next thing i know im waking up next Steven trying to get him to wake up and force him to do something fun on my last day. I dont even think we had sex that morning Its weird to think that we had grown that tired of each other. We went to the beach with D and Angel despite a good time i could help but feel awkward here i was my ex bf, my what if, and his other friend who dropped hints of his interest while we grabbed lunch. Despite the fact that i never touched any of them I couldnt help but feel guilty and shaddy for Steven had no idea. I left New York with a feeling of Emptiness just as i had arrived, leaving nothing behind but the simple notion of what if.........
8/2 @10:46 am MST (took place 4/1-7/12)
Ugh. Why do things have to happen the way they do. There are times with Steven Id never take back but there are times Id take anything over then spending them with him and thats where D comes in . We met the same night steven and i did he was 1 out of the cute guys sitting at the table that i mentioned in the entry about the night i fucked steven. We talked meaningless convo steven came over with the beer. One thing led to another and a month later we're a thing I dont see him again until the night of huka about 2 months later,(but im still attracted to him). He adds me on FB I find that we have alot of the same interests we both love kid cudi and dexter I skim over his status and pictures and discover that he has a great sense of humor. This bumps him up from stranger i find attractive. To funny cute guy I'd like to get to know if i were single. About another month later I see him again this time at the Ibiza lounge in the bronx, the night of my bf's sisters 22nd birthday. THe night she turned lesbo on me and used huka as an excuse to get to my lips lol jk I love jess. As the night progresses and drinks are consumed I find myself dancing with D. First to reggateon (this whole time i keep my body at a 2 ft distance from him) because I have a bf I care about dearly. Bachata comes on I let him know I going to sit down because Idk how to dance. He says he'll teach me he gives up after 10 mins. I come to the conclusion that im too drunk to take bachata lessons from good ass Dominicans. So I take a seat and text my bf and let him know I suck at dancing, Im sweaty, tired, drunk and I wanna go home. One of his friends walks me out to the car. Im met with an unsually sweet Steven(who had been drinking hence the sweetness) we laugh, kiss, sing and cuddle the whole ride home we act like the annoying couples I love to hate. Hell we even exchange our 1st te quieros. I end the night being grateful we met and happy with the way things worked out.
But the reality is....Over the course of our short lived relationship this feeling was hardly there, there were more misses than hits mainly because of his IDGAF attitude towards me, due to the fact that i took on the role of the clingy gf since i had no friends or family, job, gym or school to keep me occupied, treating me as if i were dispensable, here today and gone tomorrow. This grew old and i found myself counting down the days and telling myself only this many more days of it. I cut it off a week short of my departure, after being left alone to dine with a check at a mexican restaurant for a basketball game with his co workers. Convinced I'd never see him again , I went out with his bf Edwin(who is in love with my Sister) for drinks, 4 hours later i found my self in my ex's bed. Knowing there were only 2 days left I decided to ride it out and make the best of it, so this of course included getting wasted with his sister at a bar in the Bronx on wing night.I vaguely remeber the night thank god for pictures but a few tid bits stand out, 1. me being a picture Nazi 2. planking 3. being very drunk and 4. confessing my attraction to D. Idk why i did or what i expected to come out of it i think i just did it because i knew there would be no consequences,my flight left the next night. But i was surprised to find that it was mutual he said something along the lines of "i felt a connection we'd have good chemistry but you had a bf. (by now everyone knew we were broken up due to FB) After that i remember waking up on his shoulder in a car telling them to pull over cuz i had to puke, I remember scolding at him for trying to hold my hair while i was drunk ( I dont like ppl seeing me in that state or taking care of me) Another vague memory of him feeding me patacon and forcing me drink sprite and next thing i know im waking up next Steven trying to get him to wake up and force him to do something fun on my last day. I dont even think we had sex that morning Its weird to think that we had grown that tired of each other. We went to the beach with D and Angel despite a good time i could help but feel awkward here i was my ex bf, my what if, and his other friend who dropped hints of his interest while we grabbed lunch. Despite the fact that i never touched any of them I couldnt help but feel guilty and shaddy for Steven had no idea. I left New York with a feeling of Emptiness just as i had arrived, leaving nothing behind but the simple notion of what if.........
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Ready to bid farewell
So its been awhile since my last post... couple of highlights since then
5/31/2011 EST @8:35 pm
New York , the city where dreams come true filled with bright lights glitz glamour and fashion. Not the place where you carry diapers in your Coach Bag or get fashion tips from a 2 year old ( Sidney didnt like my fedora today) or make up tips from a 5 year old ( Max who instructs me on how and when I should do my make up). and definately not the place where you pay for your boyfriends gas and beer.
I came out here on whim I had nothing to lose. As the quote says its not until youve lost every that your free to do anything.This was especially true for me, after having lost "the one", lost my job, my car breaking down and having to move out of my old apt. I left mid semester I frankly just did not give a fuck anymore what was the worst that could happen? So why not hop a flight across the country to tend 3 little bastards and get poorly paid for it. Sounded like a good idea, since at the time I was doing the whole "church" thing abstaining from wordly goods (in my case sex and alcohol) . I had already lost my individuality why not my independence while Im at. Yeah.... that lasted about 2 weeks once out here I began to meet ppl left and right in random bars, trains, streets, parties ect. Like they say you can take the b-ball player out the hood but you cant take the hood out the player. Likewise You can pull me out of a party but you cant take it out of me, no matter where I am I will find it.
Long story short once I accepted myself for what I am I came to terms with my broken engagement and was finally able to put it behind me I moved one step forward and 6 years back to a time where I didnt have a car, didnt have my own apt, didn't go to college, depended on my family(except for this is worse I depend on a white family, who isn't mine) and dated 20 year olds who were barely getting their 1st car, worked part time and lived at their mom's house. Ive pretty much regressed in every aspect of my life, Im listening to reggaeton for christ sake( shit I listened to when I was 16-17), I've stopped going to the gym and become financially unorganized my savings went from the thousands to the hundreds. Im reliving my adolecence at the age 22, its time to go home.
- Ended up in Brooklyn with a random I met on the train (not a good experience)
- Became official with my "my young flame"
- Met the fam
- Got kicked out of a Club for the first time
- Touched lips with a female for the first time( my sister in law, bit awkward)
5/31/2011 EST @8:35 pm
New York , the city where dreams come true filled with bright lights glitz glamour and fashion. Not the place where you carry diapers in your Coach Bag or get fashion tips from a 2 year old ( Sidney didnt like my fedora today) or make up tips from a 5 year old ( Max who instructs me on how and when I should do my make up). and definately not the place where you pay for your boyfriends gas and beer.
I came out here on whim I had nothing to lose. As the quote says its not until youve lost every that your free to do anything.This was especially true for me, after having lost "the one", lost my job, my car breaking down and having to move out of my old apt. I left mid semester I frankly just did not give a fuck anymore what was the worst that could happen? So why not hop a flight across the country to tend 3 little bastards and get poorly paid for it. Sounded like a good idea, since at the time I was doing the whole "church" thing abstaining from wordly goods (in my case sex and alcohol) . I had already lost my individuality why not my independence while Im at. Yeah.... that lasted about 2 weeks once out here I began to meet ppl left and right in random bars, trains, streets, parties ect. Like they say you can take the b-ball player out the hood but you cant take the hood out the player. Likewise You can pull me out of a party but you cant take it out of me, no matter where I am I will find it.
Long story short once I accepted myself for what I am I came to terms with my broken engagement and was finally able to put it behind me I moved one step forward and 6 years back to a time where I didnt have a car, didnt have my own apt, didn't go to college, depended on my family(except for this is worse I depend on a white family, who isn't mine) and dated 20 year olds who were barely getting their 1st car, worked part time and lived at their mom's house. Ive pretty much regressed in every aspect of my life, Im listening to reggaeton for christ sake( shit I listened to when I was 16-17), I've stopped going to the gym and become financially unorganized my savings went from the thousands to the hundreds. Im reliving my adolecence at the age 22, its time to go home.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Apparently I met my match. My little 20 year old turned out to be a bigger bitch than I could be. if only all my heartbreaks knew. They would be jumping up and down rejoicing for today was the day when I was played. Avenged were all the victims from my serial dating days. Not only was I stood up by this guy but he had the audacity to tell me he didn't feel like picking me up (youngsters these days). Although I felt the end near,as my days in New York became numbered so did his interactions, whether it was another woman or I simply reached my expiration date i'll never know( I think it was a mix of both). All I know is that I've officially been outbitched. What can I say its been a long time coming. Damn you karma and your effects on my dating life. Granted I ignored some calls, failed to respond to a few texts, turned down dates, because " I wasn't feeling it" and unintentionally led on some but I don't think I would have had the heart to tell a helpless, lonely, boy thousand of miles away from home to take a train to see me because I didn't feel like driving. I can tolerate my job but I have no tolerance for men. Only problem now is,how am I going to get my dirty panties back?
Friday, April 29, 2011
26 days
is what it took for me to trash the title of gf. Idk why..... but I guess I'm just not( for lack of a better word)"wifey" material. After all my experience labels come with great expectations only the best get to be my bf and only them get to see all of me. Until B came along no one had seen that side of me. The one who will cook and clean for a man, go out of my way to please and take care, hell I didn't know that side of me existed or maybe I just had never been in the situation where it could be exposed. But now that I know it exists as soon as a label is put on she comes out and takes a peek over caring, over nurturing and overcompensating to a random man for what she failed to do enough with B. Even though I for the most part believe I have moved on I'm still haunted by the guilt of singlehandedly sabotaging my fairy-tale ending. Which your average Utahn would have killed for, a temple marriage to: a good-looking, intelligent, ambitious, talented, athletic ,Spanish speaking, charming, black man. Shit Utah girls would kill for any kind of marriage, with anyone but I had it all, on top of looking good on paper he made me laugh, treated me like a princess, was loyal and made me feel loved.
BUT... I got scared of what forever might be like beside the perfect man constrained in a self righteous society and my partying ways outweighed "my guaranteed salvation". Now I roam the streets of New York with a brown bag bottle in hand, sleeping with strangers. hahaha jk its not that bad, Im happy for the most part. My girls just came out and everything is good. Im free , free from judgement, expectations, and misperceptions. I no longer stand out for not aspiring to be a housewife nor am I a bad person for ordering a drink.
Idk whether i made the right decision in regards to marriage, but I made the right decision in getting the fuck out of Utah. Im alot happier than when I left granted, I may drink a little too much and I may have slept with a stranger but hes a stranger I like. Although we're a bit short of a month , and have just broke up lol( not that it means anything its not like im gonna go fuck strangers or get on anyone else) its been two days nothing has changed we still see each other almost everyday and induldge in alot of great sex. I just feel much better without thinking or caring about where its going, or whether I am treating him good enough, no great expectations to be delivered and no great expectations to be expected. I dont expect him to be anything but himself; good company, good lay, and a good time. Labeless is the way to be.I'm young and free in NYC, well.... at least in long island :)
BUT... I got scared of what forever might be like beside the perfect man constrained in a self righteous society and my partying ways outweighed "my guaranteed salvation". Now I roam the streets of New York with a brown bag bottle in hand, sleeping with strangers. hahaha jk its not that bad, Im happy for the most part. My girls just came out and everything is good. Im free , free from judgement, expectations, and misperceptions. I no longer stand out for not aspiring to be a housewife nor am I a bad person for ordering a drink.
Idk whether i made the right decision in regards to marriage, but I made the right decision in getting the fuck out of Utah. Im alot happier than when I left granted, I may drink a little too much and I may have slept with a stranger but hes a stranger I like. Although we're a bit short of a month , and have just broke up lol( not that it means anything its not like im gonna go fuck strangers or get on anyone else) its been two days nothing has changed we still see each other almost everyday and induldge in alot of great sex. I just feel much better without thinking or caring about where its going, or whether I am treating him good enough, no great expectations to be delivered and no great expectations to be expected. I dont expect him to be anything but himself; good company, good lay, and a good time. Labeless is the way to be.I'm young and free in NYC, well.... at least in long island :)
Friday, April 15, 2011
Labels and Expectations
Why is that we women expect so much more from something when its labeled? For some reason as I do with my clothes I do with my men. If my Oakleys come with a scratch its unacceptable, however if my no name sunglasses break, I could careless. And its not even about the price, if the Oakleys were free but I paid for no namers, I would still expect more from the ones with labels. The same goes for a man who is my piece of ass if he didn't come to see me or invite me ehhh....... who gives a shit. However, if a boyfriend pulls that shit its infuriating and I bitch. Seems like labels always make things more complicated but somehow people are always eager to put them on from designer brands to girlfriend/boyfriend titles.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
One night stand turned relationship
It took 4 hours to fuck him. 3 dates to like him. 2=1 sleepover to call him babe +1 blog to know him...and 12 days to become his girlfriend. I wonder how long it will take us to break up?
Monday, April 4, 2011
I did whaaaat?
4/3/2011 Sunday 9:17 am EST
And what a Friday it was! Seemed like Friday lasted till this morning. This drinking thing is kicking my ass idk if its the fact that Im doing it once a week or that the beer percentage is higher? Probably a combination of both but lately it seems like every weekend is a repeat. I drink myself retarded Friday then lay in bed hungover all Saturday. However, last night I took it to a whole nother level. I committed the ultimate sin.One i did not know I was capable of committing. I didn't know I had it in me . I slept with some one i had just met.Which I can honestly say I had never done until now. What kills me is not the fact that it happened, but the way it happened. Its so retardly stupid that I have a hard time believing it actually happened. Like this is my reality...........really?
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| I officially became a cougar |
I fucked some one younger than myself on floor of a towne & country which belongs to the family I work for filled with kid toys, trinkets, and car seats In one of which We ended up cuddling and watching the sunrise (no joke) I laughed to myself at the time of the quirky irony, here i was watching the sunrise with a boy 5 years younger than the men I usually date in a car seat. I literally was robbing the cradle or in this case the car seat.Who the fuck does this?!to makes things even worse as the sun began to rise and my sober self returned, I had horrific flashbacks of what had actually happened not only had i slept with a boy too you young to legally consume alcohol but i had done it with out protection on the floor of a mini van with the lights on in a parking lot so everyone who walked passed got a free show and ppl did walk past (as i later recalled hearing voices half way through coitus) OMG who had witnessed my reckless sexual antics had the guy i showed up with come looking for me, his friends, omg who had walked passed while we were going at it? Oh my god what did these ppl think of me? Many of the ppl I had met once before, they had welcomed me because their friend (we'll call him Rick Ross cuz their about the same size and have similar features except for this guy is Dominican anyway) befriended me on the train one night on my way back from Philly little did I know that this guy was romantically interested in me until after the first party he invited me to when he began to ask me the usual questions. Are you seeing someone when was your last serious relationship blah blah .Not to be an ass but I Didn't think men who looked like that would have the balls to pursue women like me where the hell was this guys confidence coming from his boobs were bigger than mine?.
Anyhow this was the second party Rick Ross had invited me to, a Latin get together at Dowling College as we walked through the halls he introduced me to everyone he knew his body language was repulsive I kept having to brush him off, we made our way to fancy antique looking library where all of his "crew" was at. As I scanned the room I noticed someone who caught my eye something about his smile, I smiled back as he left his seat and walked over to me.He reached for my hand and introduced himself, I introduced myself. He told me it was his birthday. I looked down we were reaching the one minute mark and we were still shaking hands. Yes, he had been drinking but..... there was definitely a connection there one that was visible to more than just me. Immediately Rick Ross got right next to me in a bodyguard stance, and Marquis grabbed Steven by the shoulders and pulled him away. He dragged him off into a corner where he whispered in his ear, I didnt know what he was saying but I knew it was about me. We arrived at the dorms around midnight for an after party which consisted of 3 guys dancing to Bachata by themselves and Rick Ross still clinging to me like a leech. At this point I was regretting not going to the bar with Annela. I downed my 40 of Stella to drown my despair, after that was gone I moved onto shots. Before I knew it the party had began and there were now tons of ppl overcrowding the dorm. I made my way past all hoochies pinned up against a wall all getting dry humped to reggaeton to a table with 2 good looking guys.I began to hand out my number to all who approached me meanwhile Rick Ross lurked in the shadows observing me when... I saw Steven make his way over to me with a Corona in hand just for me! I was so happy not only was this guy cute but he knew the way to my heart. We sat at the table and talked by this time I didn't care where Rick Ross was I didnt give a shit about anything in the world, except for keeping my eyes off the strobe light because I didnt want to throw up in front of this guy.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Being a Nanny for Jews Sucks
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| I should have been doing this....... |
So...I'm still here even though it was obvious I also got trashed the following weekend since I came home at 5 am and stayed in bed all day missing Avery's Birthday since i was so hung over. They know they are going to have a really hard time finding some one who works their ass off for $300 lousy dollars a week in reality its 250 since Ive been putting $50 in the car a week . $250 to cook, clean, take care of kids, get pissed on, back thrown, Im pretty much black to them and the lady of the house still has the nerve to slip in "your a crank what happened to being creative....scrapbooking?" I wanted to slap the bitch and say your lucky Im here.
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| But instead I was doing this |
Good bye, New York? 3/19
3/19/2011 @ 2:40 pm EST
I fucked up. I think I blew my opportunity in New York. I met a lot of people fast and last night I went to a party at the dorms Idk whether it was because I was nervous or because I don't drink out here and the beer is double me puse bien borracha tan borracha que me cai en la tina del bano en el dorm. Before I knew it was time to leave and I decided to have a cigarette before doing so. Idk where I put the pack whether I left them on the bench I hope to god I did or if I put them in my pocket and they fell out in the van, or out of my purse cuando llege a la casa I was barely able to set my foot in the kitchen when it crept up on me. Vomite una buena hora. I went to bed and woke up at ten the bathroom still wreaked of vomit and there was a new roll of toilet paper which told me A)Jeff had been in the bathroom, B) probably spotted some vomit and had smelled it and so he possibly knew what i was up to last night. I wondered if they had heard me purge for an hour. I tried to act cool as if my hangover didn't exist although i was fighting the shakes, a migraine and nausea. I went out and used a book as an excuse to look for the pack in the van I found a can of beer instead, this was not a good sign. I looked twice and found nothing but i had a premonising feeling that they were just not in immediate sight that because of my hangover I would be unable to find them and Cori would instead. I think i was right. I woke up to Cori whispering furiously to Jeff I couldn't make out
what they were saying all I heard was camel and she shook a box of some kind that sounded like a half empty pack. I was doing my best to eaves drop but i only heard bits and pieces, jeff said," what she does when she is out of the house isn't our business, that shipped has sailed we aren't going to tolerate it, you better call your mom and let her know she is going to be pissed. Half of me is wishing that I'm just paranoid and that they were left on the bench but thats just wishful thinking. The other half knows I'm fucked and is debating whether to blame them on marina or just come out and tell them that im not a smoker but i do have them when I'm extremely distraught or nervous which is hardly ever. But then I wonder those 2 days that i was on edge did the neighbors see me smoke those 2 cigs, did Cori see me at the train station did they know and were just waiting for me to confess. At this point idk what to do so I'm just going to sit in my room and avoid all contact with them. We'll see how long she can resist the urge to chew me out I think thats why she left to the library she cant keep cool with me only a few steps from her that and to get the scoop on the impression Ive made so they can formulate their final judgement on letting me go.
I fucked up. I think I blew my opportunity in New York. I met a lot of people fast and last night I went to a party at the dorms Idk whether it was because I was nervous or because I don't drink out here and the beer is double me puse bien borracha tan borracha que me cai en la tina del bano en el dorm. Before I knew it was time to leave and I decided to have a cigarette before doing so. Idk where I put the pack whether I left them on the bench I hope to god I did or if I put them in my pocket and they fell out in the van, or out of my purse cuando llege a la casa I was barely able to set my foot in the kitchen when it crept up on me. Vomite una buena hora. I went to bed and woke up at ten the bathroom still wreaked of vomit and there was a new roll of toilet paper which told me A)Jeff had been in the bathroom, B) probably spotted some vomit and had smelled it and so he possibly knew what i was up to last night. I wondered if they had heard me purge for an hour. I tried to act cool as if my hangover didn't exist although i was fighting the shakes, a migraine and nausea. I went out and used a book as an excuse to look for the pack in the van I found a can of beer instead, this was not a good sign. I looked twice and found nothing but i had a premonising feeling that they were just not in immediate sight that because of my hangover I would be unable to find them and Cori would instead. I think i was right. I woke up to Cori whispering furiously to Jeff I couldn't make out
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| I didn't know I was drunk until this happened |
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Babies
I often find myself swearing off kids and view them as a plague, however today makes me want to run and find a mexican sperm donor for an artificial insemination ASAP. Something about watching them dance to corridos and reggaeton just gets me. and these are just little white kids running around singing "Pose Pose ahhhh" calling for penguino and leon, asking for another tortilla.{I can only imagine what my little brown children would be like what they would say and do. Would my little boys have mexistaches? Would my little girls run around with a tejana, cowboy boots and nothing else like I did? I have to admit it makes me wonder what little paisas I would make .....If I were ever to have any because its only a matter of minutes until this(feeling) wears off and I will go back to viewing them as gods punishment for unprotected sex.
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